Saturday, December 17, 2011

Caribbean Capers


Caribbean Capers
A Jude and Dominic Story for Christmas
by Jay

“How about we go away for Christmas this year?”  Jude made the suggestion in late summer, knowing that his partner always needed time to come to terms with new ideas.  But Dominic was learning not to panic when faced with the unexpected, especially when it was presented by the man whose judgement he’d learnt to trust.  He paused over his evening meal, putting down his knife and fork and taking a sip of wine in order to give the suggestion his full consideration.  Eventually he voiced his prime concern.

“What about my mother... and your father?  I’d hate to think of them on their own throughout the holiday season.”

“So would I, love.  We’d have to plan the holiday so we could see them just before Christmas or at New Year.  We’ve both got a good bit of leave due and I think Semdar can do without our services for two or three weeks over the Christmas period.  What do you think?”

“Where were you thinking of going?”

“I hadn’t got as far as planning anything,” responded Jude with a laugh. “I was just wondering what you thought about the idea in principle.”

“I haven’t taken many holidays,” admitted Dominic with some embarrassment.  “Not since Mum and I stopped going away together... not since I went to university really.  I didn’t have anyone to go away with and I didn’t fancy travelling abroad on my own.”  As Dominic never spoke of places he’d visited, Jude had already guessed that his partner had little experience of foreign travel.  As was so often the case when he delved into Dominic’s past, Jude was saddened by evidence of the lonely lifestyle the young man had once led.  But he showed no sign of sympathy which he knew would be unwelcome, choosing instead to make light of Dominic’s lack of familiarity with holiday destinations.

“I haven’t been anywhere special for a while either,” he said with a smile.  “But I find it’s the company, not the place which makes a holiday memorable.  I’m happy to do whatever you like over Christmas, so long as we spend it together.”

Dominic was unable to conceal his pleasure at Jude’s remark.  It was through such affirmation, through such loving words and thoughtful gestures, that Dominic’s confidence had grown.  Knowing that he was loved unconditionally, that he was admired and desired by a man as self-assured and successful as Jude Merrow, had given Dominic a newfound sense of his own worth.   “It might be nice to go somewhere warm,” he mused, coming round to the idea of a winter holiday.

“Is there anywhere special you’d like to go?” asked Jude.

“No..... no... It’s just....”

“What?  Tell me if there’s something you’re not sure about.”

“Well…. I was just thinking it would be nice to go somewhere where we can be together without worrying what people are thinking.   A destination where no one will comment about two men holidaying together; where we could, perhaps, walk hand in hand.”

“I never knew you were such a romantic,” Jude teased but Dominic was not to be dissuaded from voicing his concern.

“I didn’t enjoy bucket and spade holidays when I was a kid so I’ve got no desire to spend time with young families now,” he responded gravely.

“I take your point, love,” Jude conceded.  “We’ll need to do a bit of research.  I know there are singles holidays and rambling holidays and even holidays for bridge players.  There must be specialist companies catering for our needs.”

“I’ll have a look on the internet later,” Dominic said although he didn’t get around to the task until the following morning in the office.  Then he was amazed to find that searching for Gay Holidays UK brought up pages of results. He’d begun following the most promising links when Sarah Powell passed his desk on her way to the coffee machine.  Out of habit, she glanced over his shoulder to see if he might be ready to take a break.  She’d got used to Dominic’s tendency to become so immersed in his work that he was reluctant to leave his desk and she often brought him a cup of coffee around midmorning.  But one glance was all it took to convince her that her friend was not in the middle of constructing a complicated spreadsheet.

“Ogling cuties on company time?” she enquired. “I wonder what the boss would make of that?”

Dominic’s hand flew to minimise the browser but not before Sarah had got a good view of scantily clad but well muscled young men cavorting on a beach.  “I was just looking up some holiday destinations,” Dominic said guiltily.  “I told Jude I’d do a bit of research.”

“I’m only teasing,” said Sarah. “After all, we’re allowed to access the internet for personal use in our break times, so long as we don’t view pornography or send offensive emails.”

“I know,” said Dominic.  “I wrote the company policy on internet use.  I’m just a bit embarrassed to be caught on a gay site during office hours.”

“Why?” asked Sarah reasonably.

“I don’t know,” Dominic conceded.  “Force of habit, I suppose.  It’s not as though you don’t know about Jude and me.”

“I do know you two haven’t taken anything like your full holiday entitlement this year.  I hope you’re planning a good long break.”

“Jude thought we might go away for a couple of weeks at Christmas time and I said I’d try and come up with some holiday destinations.”

“Have you discovered where to go for winter sun?”

“Well, yes... possibly.  Actually, I’d be glad of your opinion, Sarah.”

“You know me.  Always happy to help you spend money.  Your very own personal shopper, that’s me. How about I get coffee and biscuits and we can look at the possibilities together?”

While Sarah was over at the coffee machine Dominic went back on the computer and saved some of the more promising sites.  When she returned with two steaming mugs, he pulled up a second chair beside his desk and the two of them sat down, as they often did, to enjoy a convivial break together.  Dominic was at ease in Sarah’s company and had got into the habit of asking her advice when he was perplexed.  For such a formidably intelligent young man, he could sometimes prove woefully ignorant of worldly matters but Sarah was always willing to explain some of the complexities of social interaction.  She had watched with pleasure as his confidence grew, putting his transformation down to the stabilising effect of his relationship with Jude Merrow.  But her own contribution was not inconsiderable and Jude himself rejoiced that his partner had such a firm friend at work.

“I haven’t much experience of foreign holidays.... or of holidays in this country, for that matter,” he admitted. “Actually, I don’t mind too much where we go.  I just want to feel comfortable while I’m away with Jude.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t want to feel people are looking at us and wondering.  You know..... We’re always so careful at work and while we’re on holiday I’d like... I’d just like us to be able to show a bit of affection towards one another in public, that’s all.”

“Of course; I understand, Dominic.  I presume that’s why you were looking at companies which specialise in gay holidays.”

“Yes; I’ve found a number of gay cruises,” said Dominic with sudden animation.  “I didn’t know that such things existed.  A gay cruise could be just the thing for us.  What do you think?”

“I don’t know, Dominic.  Honestly, I’m a bit out of my depth here. It’s just, well, gay cruising has connotations which, to my mind, have nothing to do with holidays.”

Dominic looked baffled for a moment and then understanding dawned.  “Oh,” he said, looking embarrassed.  “Am I being naive here?  Do you think a gay cruise is just about... about hooking up for sex?  I wouldn’t want Jude to think I’m looking for anyone else.”

“There’s no chance of him thinking that,” said Sarah firmly. “And I really think he’s the one to talk to if the idea of a cruise appeals to you.”

“I suppose I was rather taken with the idea of all the different ports of call. As I haven’t been abroad much, I thought I could see a lot of places on one holiday.”

“That’s certainly one of the big advantages of a cruise,” agreed Sarah.  “I know cruises have become very popular lately, especially with the younger crowd.  Let’s have a look at the ones you’ve found online.”

Dominic and Sarah turned their attention to the computer screen and tried to stifle their giggles as they both eyed up the talent.  “My God, I’m going to have to put in some work at the gym if I’m going to swim on this holiday,” said Jude.  “Do you think you’re obliged to wear those skimpy trunks?”

“Now you know how women feel about appearing in their bikinis on holiday,” Sarah laughed.  “But don’t worry.  I think the tour companies choose the beautiful people for their advertising.  It stands to reason that all shapes and sizes must go on cruises.  Anyway, you and Jude have nothing to worry about when it comes to parading your assets!”

“Sshh!” hissed Dominic, glancing round the open plan office but no one seemed to be paying them any attention. 

Sarah continued to search through the sites Dominic had found and finally she said, “There are gay friendly cruises listed here as well.  Have you considered those?  They seem to offer a wider choice of destinations and the entertainment seems a little more... what shall I say?.. restrained.  Would that suit you and Jude better?  There’d be a wider cross section of people but I think you’d find the freedom and acceptance you’re looking for.”

“The best of both worlds, eh?  You’re right, Sarah. I don’t think Jude would want to dress up for a Judy Garland appreciation night.”  Dominic indicated a page illustrating evening entertainments on one of the cruise ships.  “Look at those men dressed as Dorothy!” he exclaimed in amazement.  “I can’t see Jude in a blue gingham frock and sparkly red shoes, can you?”

“I can’t imagine either of you in drag,” Sarah replied with a shudder.  Dominic shared her sentiments and resolved to suggest to Jude a gay friendly cruise with its more mainstream entertainment programme.

That evening Jude proved more receptive to the idea than Dominic had expected.  He was particularly taken with the idea of a cruise to the Caribbean where warm weather was practically guaranteed throughout the Christmas season. The varied programme of lectures on board ship also appealed to him and Dominic was grateful for Sarah’s wise advice to avoid the cruises with more riotous amusements.  The decision having been taken, it only remained for them to complete the booking and then count the days until departure.  Strictly speaking it was just Dominic who counted the days, torn between excitement at his first luxury holiday and worry that he didn’t have the right clothes for a cruise to warmer climes.

It didn’t take long for Jude to pick up on his young partner’s anxiety and one or two pointed questions had Dominic quickly confessing the cause of his concern.  He’d long since accepted that Jude wouldn’t permit him to bottle up his worries and he’d learnt that the sooner he got them out in the open, the sooner he felt better.  To say nothing of the after effects of Jude’s displeasure if he found Dominic had worked himself into a state without asking for help.  On this occasion Jude was able to make light of Dominic’s worries, announcing that he too would need to purchase a new wardrobe for the holiday.  He made the resultant shopping trips, which were always a source of trepidation for Dominic, an entertaining experience.  By the time the two of them had tried on Hawaiian shirts and Bermuda shorts, and laughed at themselves in the changing room mirrors, Dominic had forgotten his fear of haughty shop assistants. Not only that, he now knew that Jude enjoyed helping him to choose well fitting and flattering clothes.  He’d come to trust Jude’s sartorial judgement and his confidence had grown so much that he strutted and posed in the changing room, knowing that Jude was enjoying the show despite issuing light hearted warnings that if he didn’t stop messing about he wouldn’t sit comfortably for a week.

By the time the two men arrived in their cabin aboard the cruise ship, Dominic felt confident that he was well equipped for everything from formal dinners to beach volleyball games.  When he saw the limited amount of storage space in their cabin, he was grateful that Jude had helped him keep his packing to manageable proportions.  There were two single beds, each with a small chest of drawers at the foot, a limited amount of hanging space in a built-in wardrobe and one small bedside cabinet for each to share. Their cases had to go under the beds and the ensuite bathroom afforded just enough space for one person to stand in front of the basin or squeeze into the tiny shower cubicle.  What with the flight to Barbados and two weeks on board ship, the holiday was expensive and they’d decided to economise on the cabin, rightly assuming that they wouldn’t be spending long in it.  Nonetheless, they both began to wonder if they’d have done better to upgrade until they managed to find a home for all their clothes, books and toiletries.  Then the cabin began to appear cosy rather than cramped.

“Let’s go and explore,” said Dominic as he finally kicked his empty suitcase under the bed.

“Wouldn’t you like a lie down first?” enquired Jude.  “We had a long wait at the airport and it was a tiring flight.”

“We’ll have plenty of time to catch up on our sleep tonight.  Come on; let’s find the swimming pool and the gym.  Where’s the plan of the ship?”

Jude couldn’t help responding to Dominic’s childlike excitement, especially as he ran up and down the staircases exclaiming in amazement as they found bars, restaurants, a fitness centre, a theatre and many places just to sit and relax.  Seasonal decorations abounded throughout, the Christmas trees and coloured lights appearing incongruous on board ship in the tropics. When they finally got out on deck they leaned on the rail in the unaccustomed warmth and looked down at the quayside way below where passengers were still boarding the ship.  It wasn’t until they strolled right to the stern of the vessel that they found the open air swimming pool in which a couple of lithe and handsome young men were already disporting themselves. 

Jude couldn’t help but notice that their capers became even more athletic as soon as they realised they had an audience. They began pushing one another under the water, shouting and splashing, so that Jude and Dominic had to step back to avoid getting their trousers soaked.  Dominic watched them with curiosity and when he was sure their attention was directed elsewhere he whispered rather tentatively, “Do you think they are?   Gay, I mean.”

“Oh, I think so, don’t you?” responded Jude with a laugh, as they walked to safe distance from the pool.

“I don’t know.  I’m always hopeless at spotting these things. How can you tell?”

“I’m not sure I can put it into words, love, but I usually know, especially with young men like that.  I don’t think they’re a couple though.”

“No?”

“Well, I wouldn’t swear to it but I reckon they’re two friends on the lookout for some fun.  Well, maybe they’re a bit more than just good friends but I don’t think they’re in a committed relationship.  In fact, I’d say they have trouble written all over them.”

Dominic stopped and turned back to watch with a rather wistful expression on his face as the two young men resumed swimming across the pool.  Jude, on the other hand, turned his attention to his partner in whom he sensed a longing to join in the fun, a desire to overcome inhibitions and make new friends.  That insight persuaded him to modify his judgement.  “I don’t mean they have malicious intent,” he said, “but I suspect they’d be game for any stunt.  We’ll probably find that they’re great fun.”

“Do you think they’ll come and talk to us?” asked Dominic hopefully.

“Oh, I think they’ve already clocked us as a couple to make contact with,” Jude assured him, resolving not to stand in the way of Dominic getting to know new people.  He just hoped that his reservations were unfounded and the two young men would show better judgement and decorum than their behaviour in the pool had led him to expect.

In the event, their paths didn’t cross again until the first full day at sea when Jude and Dominic decided it was time to go for a swim.  They’d completed no more than a few decorous lengths when the two young men introduced themselves by jumping in so close by that both Dominic and Jude were hit by the resultant tsunami.  That provided the opening for insincere apologies and an invitation to play ball which soon developed into a riotous game of water polo as others joined in.  Eventually Jude got out of the pool, spread his towel on a sun lounger and settled down to read his book.  However, his attention was periodically drawn to the laughing, cavorting young men in the pool and particularly to Dominic who appeared to be having the time of his life.  Jude knew that his partner had been one of the geeks at school who had taken every opportunity to avoid the embarrassment of organised team games.  Looking now at Dominic’s toned body, glistening with water as he leapt to catch the ball, Jude reflected that it wasn’t lack of sporting ability which had held him back.  In an environment where he felt comfortable he’d forgotten about his fear of doing or saying the wrong thing and was participating with enthusiasm and carefree enjoyment.  Jude was glad that they’d chosen the cruise holiday and he hoped there’d be more opportunities for Dominic to socialise with the young crowd while they were away.

When the game ended, arrangements were being made to meet for drinks before dinner and Jude quietly joined the group as they climbed out of the pool.  To Dominic’s surprise, his partner acquiesced to plans for them all to rendezvous in the Riviera bar that evening where free cocktails were to be served before the first formal dinner of the cruise. 

As they were dressing after their showers back in the cabin Dominic tentatively questioned Jude about their new acquaintances. “What do you think of Bill and Harry?” he asked. 

“Your two noisy playmates?”

“Yeah!  They’re Americans.”

“That’s no reason for them to shout quite so loudly.  Half the ship must have heard them.”

“They were enjoying themselves,” said Dominic rather defensively.

“It’s possible to have a good time without drawing attention to yourself quite so insistently,” said Jude.  Then reminding himself that he was not going to be disapproving, he added, “But I suppose we’re on holiday and everyone is tolerant of high spirits.”

“Bill met someone last night,” Dominic confided.  “He was telling us that they made out in the bathroom.  I wasn’t quite sure what he meant at first but judging from what the others said I think they may have had sex in the toilets…. the public ones behind the dance floor.”

“What!” exclaimed Jude, shocked not only that Bill had had sex in a public toilet but that he’d been bragging about it to casual acquaintances. “I take it they were in a locked cubicle but even so, that could cause offence to other users of the facilities.  Nothing ever justifies sexual activity in a public lavatory, even if you’re on holiday.”

Dominic was rather taken aback by Jude’s adamant condemnation of his new friend.  “Don’t say anything,” he begged.  “I wouldn’t want to get him into trouble.”

“Don’t worry,” Jude reassured him.  “It’s not my job to act as arbiter of public morals.  I’m just shocked, that’s all. I won’t deny that.”

“So was I…. to start with,” Dominic admitted, “but the thought of having sex in a public place is a bit of a turn on, don’t you think?”

“I never knew you entertained fantasies of being an exhibitionist!” Jude laughed.

“I don’t; well, not really.”

“I’m glad of it.  The other passengers have been so welcoming and friendly.  It’s behaviour like that which runs the risk of confirming people’s worst fears and prejudices.  This may be a gay friendly cruise but it behoves us to behave in public with an element of decorum.”

“I suppose so.  But Bill and Harry are a lot of fun.”

The two young men were certainly on good form when Jude and Dominic joined the party in the Riviera lounge.  The supply of free cocktails having dried up, they were buying drinks at the bar and they insisted on getting the cocktail of the day for their new English friends.  By the time dinner was announced Bill and Harry were getting very merry and Jude was rather relieved to find they were not seated with the Americans in the restaurant. 

Jude was soon chatting comfortably to the two married couples who were their dining companions for the evening and even Dominic was sufficiently fascinated by their tales of foreign travel to abandon his reserve in the company of strangers and quiz them enthusiastically about the places they’d visited.  Suddenly, in mid conversation, he reared back as he was struck on the head by something quite soft which landed beside his plate.  Momentarily puzzled he picked up a bread roll and then looked in the direction from which it must have come, only to catch the eye of Bill who was grinning, laughing and pointing at him.

Without further thought he twisted in his chair and flung the bread roll straight back but unfortunately his aim was not as true as Bill’s.  The roll landed with considerable force in the plate of a woman sitting to Bill’s left and food splashed all over her dress.  Her shriek and her husband’s rapid move to her side drew the attention of diners on neighbouring tables and silence fell as all eyes turned to the stricken woman and then to the person whose demeanour clearly marked him out as the cause of her distress.

The colour had drained from Dominic’s face and his hands had flown to his mouth in shock.  Jude took in the situation at once and got calmly to his feet, placing a firm and reassuring hand on his partner’s shoulder. He walked across to the woman, whose husband had mopped the worst of the mess off her dress with a linen napkin, and offered a fluent apology along with a request to pay for cleaning or replacing the dress.  He left his name and cabin number with the couple before returning to the table where he continued with his meal. 

The crisis over, the level of noise rose as people returned to their conversations. Jude threw out a conversational gambit which was rapidly taken up by the others on their table. Everyone was anxious to end the awkward silence but Dominic didn’t join in. Embarrassment made him feel as though he remained the focus of accusatory glances and guilt took away his appetite and robbed him of all pleasure in the meal and the company.  He pushed his food around his plate and even the pressure of Jude’s knee against his own under the table failed to provide any comfort.

Jude’s initial annoyance at Dominic’s thoughtless action had long given way to sympathy for the young man’s plight. He knew how much his partner hated to feel himself in the wrong and his heart ached in the certain knowledge that Dominic would be suffering agonies after such a public humiliation.  All Jude’s anger was directed towards Bill who appeared quite unabashed despite having provoked Dominic into his disastrous act of retaliation.  As soon as he’d eaten dessert, and before coffee was served, Jude excused them both, pleading the desire for an early night.  Dominic got to his feet with relief to follow Jude out of the restaurant and return to the privacy of their cabin.

Having sat silently throughout the remainder of the meal, Dominic was the first to speak as soon as the door was closed.  “What are you going to do then?” he asked in a challenging tone.

Jude sighed.  Dominic’s guilt and distress were manifesting themselves as aggression and he set himself to calm his agitated partner.  “Do?” he enquired calmly.  “I’m going to get out of this suit and then I’m going to stretch out on my bed and watch the film on television.”

“And you’re just going to ignore the exhibition I made of myself in the restaurant?”

“What do you want me to do, love?  I apologised on your behalf.  We’ll pay for the lady’s dress to be cleaned.  If you like, we can arrange for a gift to be sent to her cabin tomorrow.”

“And that’s it, is it?  You’ve got nothing else to say?”

“I’m not going to lecture you, if that’s what you mean.  What could I possibly say that you don’t already know?  I’m sure you didn’t throw that bread roll with the intention of causing damage.  I could see it was just a reflex action to return it after it hit you on the head.  I wish you’d given a moment’s thought to the possible consequences but I don’t blame you for what happened.  I blame Bill and, if the opportunity presents itself, I’ll let him know what I think of such boorish behaviour at a formal dinner.”

“So we just forget about it, then?  I ruin the evening for others and you’re going to do nothing about it!”  Dominic’s voice had risen in volume.

“Don’t shout at me, Dominic.  I know you’re feeling upset and ashamed but taking it out on me won’t help.”

“Well, I’m not just going to sit here and pretend that we’ve had a fine evening.  It’s been fucking awful and..”

Dominic got no further with his foul mouthed complaint.  Without a word Jude placed firm hands on his shoulders and steered him down the narrow passage between the wardrobe and the bathroom until his nose was up against the cabin door.  “You can stand there until you calm down and are ready to speak quietly and politely,” he instructed, before walking back to the bed where he began calmly to remove his suit and tie.

The whole manoeuvre had been effected so swiftly and efficiently that it took Dominic a moment to realise what had happened.  When the reality of his situation permeated his agitated mind he was shocked to find himself standing with his back to the cabin.  It was as dark there as in any corner at home, although he had the added distraction of a brightly coloured plan of the ship attached to the cabin door.  He began to study it intently and read repeatedly through the fire instructions as a means of distancing himself from the events of the evening.

However, the enforced immobility and the silence had a calming effect, as Jude knew it would.  Gradually Dominic’s stress level fell and his anger melted leaving him feeling ashamed and distinctly apprehensive.  He heard Jude moving about the cabin and opening drawers as he searched for comfortable clothing to take the place of his formal dress.  When he heard the bed creak as Jude stretched out and turned on the television, he knew he was in for the long haul.

Eventually his mind was drawn back to his behaviour in the restaurant.  He squirmed with embarrassment as he relived the moment when all eyes had turned to him in accusation.  And he remembered how swiftly Jude had intervened to defuse the situation.   He felt so sorry for the woman whose evening he had spoiled and he wished he’d stepped up and made his apologies in person although, at the time, he knew he’d been rooted to the spot, overcome with shame and confusion.  He remembered that Jude had offered to pay for cleaning or replacing her dress and had just suggested sending a gift to her cabin.  Suddenly he thought of something he could do by way of restitution.

Totally forgetting that he hadn’t been given permission to move, he turned impulsively to Jude and said, “We’ll be in port tomorrow.  I could find a florist’s shop, couldn’t I? I’m sure there’ll be exotic blooms on a Caribbean island.  I could buy her a big bouquet of flowers.”

Familiar with Dominic’s rapid thought processes, Jude responded at once.  He clicked off the television and sat up to smile at his partner.  “That’s a great idea,” he said.  “I’m sure if we asked the purser he’d be able to direct us to a florist’s near the quayside, or even arrange to have flowers sent direct to her cabin.”

“No,” said Dominic decisively.  “I want to take them myself.  It would give me an opportunity to apologise in person.” He paused and then added rather sadly, “You had to apologise for me in the restaurant.”

“I knew you wouldn’t be up to it at that point.  I wanted to smooth things over for you as quickly as possible.”

“I know that and I am grateful; I just wish it hadn’t been necessary,” said Dominic miserably.

“Come here, love,” said Jude in a comforting tone.  Dominic, who’d been standing indecisively beside the door, conscious now that he’d broken the rule that forbade him to move from his place of confinement without permission, responded at once to the invitation in that tone.  In a few hasty strides he covered the distance from the door to the bed and flung himself into Jude’s arms.  “Hey, hey,” said Jude who was in danger of strangulation from the strength of Dominic’s grip, “there’s no need to upset yourself.” 

Dominic, who hated succumbing to tears, was controlling himself with an effort but his bodily tremor and ragged breathing betrayed the extent of his distress. “I’m sorry, so sorry,” he murmured passionately into Jude’s shoulder.

“I know, love.  It’s all right.”

“It’s not all right.  I behaved disgracefully in the restaurant and then shouted at you.  The truth is I’m angry with myself, not with you.”

“And you just needed a bit of time to see that for yourself,” Jude gently pointed out.  “I didn’t take it personally and I’m quite happy to help you come to terms with what happened. But trying to provoke me into punishing you won’t do the trick.  Look at me.” Jude gently pushed Dominic away from him and the young man reluctantly lifted swimming eyes to do as he’d been asked.  “You were trying to push me into spanking you, weren’t you?”

“No.. no… I wouldn’t..”

“Weren’t you?”

“Mmn.  I might have been,” Dominic conceded, ducking his head.

“Who makes the decisions about punishment?”

“You do.  But I wasn’t…..”

“Correct,” Jude interrupted him. “I do.  And I’m not going to punish you for an error of judgement.  You had no intention of causing harm and the consequences of your action were unforeseeable if unfortunate.  This is not a major problem, love, even if it feels awful to you at the moment.  My apology, on your behalf, was accepted.  The couple were very nice about it.  No one else is going to remember this tomorrow; you won’t hear it mentioned again.  And your idea about giving the lady flowers is perfect.”  Jude paused; then, in a lighter tone, he added, “Anyway, I couldn’t spank you even if I wanted to.  There isn’t room to swing a cat in this cabin, let alone administer discipline.  The lack of space would cramp my style.”

That observation drew a reluctant smile from Dominic and Jude followed it up with a very welcome invitation.  “Now go and get out of that suit and come and join me here on the bed.  There’s room for two if we snuggle up.”  Dominic didn’t need to be asked twice.  Jude’s comforting embrace did much to dispel his misery and soon he was engrossed in the film on television.  By the time he felt ready for bed he was beginning to think that things would look better in the morning.

When he woke, the familiar motion of the ship was stilled and, when he got up to look out of the window, he saw that they were already tied up alongside the dock. Then he was anxious to get dressed and go enquire about the nearest place to buy flowers.  Jude permitted himself to be hastened through breakfast so they could be the first passengers to disembark but he had to admit the effort had been worth it as they returned to the ship with Dominic triumphantly carrying an enormous arrangement of exotic blooms.  Wanting to spare his partner disappointment, he had a call put through at once to the couple’s cabin to check they were willing to receive visitors. Then he escorted an increasingly nervous Dominic to their door. 

But there was no need for anxiety.  When Dominic’s victim opened the door she was confronted with an enormous flower arrangement which nearly filled the narrow corridor.  Her delighted expressions of appreciation attracted one of the stewards who immediately offered to arrange the flowers in a large vase.  That left Dominic free to make his apologies and he did so blushingly but with stammering sincerity.  Jude could see at once that the lady was captivated by his charm although he knew with absolute certainty that Dominic had no concept of the favourable impression he was making.  Finally he rescued Dominic from her protestations of thanks with a firm repetition of his request to send the cleaning bill to their cabin and he escorted a relieved and restored Dominic to the bar for a drink.

For the next few days Dominic was more subdued than he had been at the beginning of the voyage.  He didn’t stray from Jude’s side, quietly reading on a sun lounger when they were on board ship, or accompanying him without question on expeditions ashore.  To start with Jude thought it was just coincidence that there was no sign of Bill and Harry but eventually he decided that they were deliberately keeping out of his way.  Dominic had made no effort to seek them out and eventually Jude began to regret that his young partner was missing out on some of the fun which he’d enjoyed during the early part of the holiday.

When the bill for dry cleaning eventually arrived Dominic was cast down yet again.  The charge wasn’t exorbitant but, on board ship, it was considerably more than they would have paid at home.  Although Jude pointed out that the cost could be added to their account to be settled at the end of the cruise, Dominic insisted on going to pay at once with his own credit card.  It was as though all his guilt had been reawakened, along with a desperate desire to pay the price for his one thoughtless act.  Jude began to suspect that he hadn’t been able to put the incident behind him as readily as might have been hoped.

Thus, when Dominic raised the question of an organised trip to one of the Caribbean beaches, Jude was immediately encouraging.  The brochure promised beach volleyball, the opportunity to try snorkelling or wind surfing and a barbecue to finish the day. 

“It looks fun, love,” he said approvingly.  “Are any of your new friends going?”

“I don’t know.  I haven’t seen them lately.”

“Why don’t you ask?  Judging from these pictures it looks as though it’s a trip designed to appeal to the young.”

“Don’t you want to come?” enquired Dominic in surprise. 

In fact, Jude would quite like to have tried snorkelling, although beach volleyball wasn’t his idea of a legitimate sport.  However, he wanted to encourage Dominic to strike out on his own socially and this seemed like an ideal time for the young man to participate in an event safely, without having his partner at his side.  “I’d never live it down at the rugby club if they found out I’d played beach volleyball,” he said with a laugh.  “Actually, I was looking at a tour of historic buildings with an expert on the colonial history of the islands. I didn’t think it would be your cup of tea so perhaps we could each do our own thing that day.”

When the day dawned Dominic seemed to have recovered some of his joie de vivre.  He could hardly contain his excitement as he packed a rucksack with his towel and swimming trunks and Jude had to intervene to ensure that he’d also got sun screen, a bottle of water and a light jacket for the evening.

“Have a great day,” Jude urged.  “Text me and let me know what you’re up to.”

“You, too.”

“And, Dominic,” Jude hesitated, unwilling to sound like a killjoy, “Don’t behave in an unseemly manner.”

“Unseemly!” Dominic mimicked.  “Who uses words like that?”

“I do, young man,” replied Jude in a tone which rapidly focussed Dominic’s attention.  “The West Indies is still a deeply conservative society.  We tend to forget that when we think of what goes on at The Notting Hill Carnival.  Don’t do anything which would offend the local population.  And don’t,” he added with greater emphasis, “let anyone else persuade you to act in a way I would be unhappy with.  Do I make myself clear?”

When Jude spoke like that, Dominic had a tendency to respond very politely. “Yes, sir,” he said promptly.

“Oh, I know you’ll be good,” said Jude, sure that his message had been clearly understood.  He tousled Dominic’s hair and picked up his own rucksack.  The historic tour of the island was departing early so they could visit some of the colonial properties before the day became really hot.  “I must be going,” said Jude, as he gave Dominic a quick kiss on the cheek.  “I’ll see you this evening, love.”

The historic tour was fascinating and the rest of the party proved sociable and interesting.  Jude had little time to worry about how Dominic was getting on at the beach although he checked his phone a couple of times in the hope of finding a new text.  When no message had been delivered after a couple of hours, he decided that Dominic was probably in the water or playing on the beach with his phone lying forgotten in his rucksack.  It wasn’t until after lunch that he heard the alert which signalled the arrival of a picture message.  He clicked it open and read one brief sentence from Dominic: 

Havin a gr8 time wiv Santa’s little helpers!

Then he scrolled down the page to view the attached picture.  There was no mistaking the identity of the elves.  Bill and Harry, wearing Santa hats and very little else, were immediately recognisable. For one brief moment Jude entertained the hope that the third young man, with his back turned to the camera, might not be Dominic.  But the set of the shoulders, the curve of the exposed backside, even the shape of the hairline at the nape of the neck were all unmistakable.  Jude would have recognised those beloved features anywhere.  But this time they aroused feelings of anger and not the usual affectionate admiration for his partner’s lean and toned form.  He pressed reply and rapidly composed his response:

I suggest you cover your arse before you get sunburn.  But don’t get too comfortable.  That arse’ll be glowing as red as an elf’s hat before the day is out.


Quick as a flash a reply popped up on Jude’s mobile:  You said u can’t swing a cat in our cabin!  So no fear of a sore bottom, eh?

This time Jude took a minute or two to consider what to say next.  He was beginning to appreciate Dominic’s motives, recognising deliberate provocation when he saw it.  Judging from the isolated spot where the photo had been taken, Dominic had obeyed Jude’s instruction to avoid offending the local population.  However, the young man was in no doubt about Jude’s views on the subject of public nudity, to say nothing of allowing others to handle him intimately.  The sight of the Americans with their hands casually placed inside Dominic’s swimming trunks was sufficient to make Jude growl.  Dominic was angling for a spanking all right but Jude suspected it had nothing to do with making him jealous and everything to do with a lingering sense of guilt.  Ever since the incident in the restaurant Dominic’s subdued manner had suggested that he still felt himself to be in disgrace.  Nothing Jude could say or do to convince him that the matter was closed brought about a return of his high spirits.

More than once Jude had contemplated with regret his decision to make light of Dominic’s misjudgement in the restaurant.  He’d come to suspect that a spanking, even a very mild spanking, might have been sufficient to convince Dominic that he’d paid for his mistake.  Now, his initial assumption that Dominic’s apology and gift to the unfortunate woman had drawn a line under the incident gave way to certainty that Dominic was still labouring under a heavy burden of shame.  That being the case, Jude knew he’d have no problem addressing the issue in the way Dominic was clearly demanding.  He punched his reply into his phone and pressed send:

We’ll be discussing this tonight. Lack of space in the cabin won’t save you from a well deserved spanking.

This time there was a lengthy delay before Dominic sent a response and Jude correctly guessed that the young man was having second thoughts about the outrageous picture and the inevitable consequences of sending it to his partner.  Eventually a short message popped up on Jude’s phone and it clearly signalled Dominic’s state of mind when writing.  The smiley conveyed not misplaced optimism but a touching desire to placate.

You’re not angry are you? :-)

Jude decided that only an honest answer would do:   I was angry, love, but I’m not angry now.  Enjoy the rest of your day.  We’ll sort everything out this evening.  Don’t worry.

Dominic’s reply was swift and it went a long way towards putting Jude’s mind at rest, enabling him to enjoy the rest of his island tour with only the occasional thought as to how he would handle his errant partner when they regained the privacy of their cabin.  The reply was just three words long but Jude knew they were words which Dominic never used casually or thoughtlessly:

I love you.

Hours later, after both men had returned to the ship, showered, changed and eaten dinner in the restaurant they finally turned their attention to the events of the day.  Dominic had been subdued throughout the evening meal but not seriously anxious or agitated.  Jude’s calm and reassuring manner had contributed in part to Dominic’s composure but Jude also suspected that the young man felt a certain sense of relief that his sins were about to be punished and pardoned.  However, Jude had no intention of allowing Dominic to skirt around his feelings and avoid facing up to the manipulation inherent in his outrageous conduct on the beach.  Jude’s opening question, addressed to the penitent young man sitting opposite him on the bed brought Dominic’s head up in surprise.

“If you still felt you needed a spanking, why didn’t you say something instead of staging that stunt this afternoon?

“I…I didn’t.  It wasn’t staged. I don’t understand..”

“You understand perfectly well,” interjected Jude.  “I made my expectations perfectly clear before you left for the beach.  You couldn’t have more blatantly disregarded my views on seemly behaviour if you’d tried.”

Dominic flinched at Jude’s straight talking.  His partner was sitting so close to him on the adjoining bed that their feet were almost touching.  He struggled to maintain eye contact as he tried to explain.  “I didn’t behave in an unseemly way.  There was no one around.  I remembered what you said about not offending the local population.”

“And how do you think I felt when I saw Bill and Harry with their hands in your swimming trunks?”

Dominic gasped.  “They weren’t… They were only….  I didn’t think…”  After a pause to collect his scattered wits he ended lamely, “I’m sorry, Jude, I really am.  I wouldn’t have let them do anything inappropriate.”

“I know that, love.  I never for one moment thought you were engaging in any sort of sexual activity with those young men.  But that didn’t prevent me feeling jealous when I saw their hands on your bottom.”

Jude’s admission gave Dominic a surprise and also a guilty jolt of pleasure.  “Oh,” he breathed and his blush made Jude laugh with ready understanding.

“It’s good to know you can make me jealous just by allowing someone else to touch you, eh?”  Before Dominic could make his denials, Jude went on.  “Don’t worry.  I know that wasn’t your intention.  But you were angling for a spanking, weren’t you?  And you fixed on the quickest way of getting my attention.”

“It wasn’t my idea to pose for that photo,” Dominic tried to point out.  “It was Bill’s suggestion and well, it seemed like a fun thing to do so….”  Jude was looking at him so pointedly that his voice trailed away.   “Okay…. I knew you wouldn’t approve.  But no one saw.”

“Apart from the person who took the picture and, presumably, the rest of the group who went to the beach.”

There was no answer to that and Dominic’s silence could only be interpreted as acquiescence.  Jude let the silence drag on until Dominic lifted pleading eyes to his.  Then he appeared to relent.  “All right then. I’ll accept there was no harm done.  None of the locals witnessed your high spirited Christmas caper and I know your behaviour wasn’t sexually motivated.”  Dominic breathed a sigh of relief but, as Jude’s voice hardened, he realised he’d relaxed too soon.  “So that just leaves me to deal with the fact that you’ve continued to labour under a sense of guilt and shame.  Rather than voicing your worries you’ve struggled with them alone.  Finally, you decided that you could clear the slate by forcing me into spanking you.  Is that a fair summary?”

Dominic could hardly deny it.  “It wasn’t deliberate,” he said falteringly.  “I didn’t plan it that way.”

“But that’s what happened, isn’t it?  You were still feeling guilty and you knew perfectly well how I’d react to that photo.  You’ve got yourself exactly where you wanted to be.”

“I didn’t think it would be like this,” said Dominic miserably.

“I bet you didn’t, my lad.  But I’m not having you try to manipulate me in this way.  I make the decisions about punishment and I say that you have no need to feel guilty about the incident in the restaurant.  It’s over and done with.  You’ve paid for your mistake and made amends in a very acceptable manner.  But you’re not off the hook now.  I won’t have you deliberately disobey me and I’m not pleased that you went along with Bill and Harry when they pulled your pants down.  There’s only one person you pull your pants down for and that’s me.”  Jude paused and Dominic’s stomach muscles contracted in alarm at the realisation of what was coming next.  “So stand up and drop them,” Jude ordered.

Dominic got reluctantly to his feet.  It was true that he’d had some vague notion that provoking Jude in a light hearted way would result in a semi playful spanking which would serve to alleviate his feelings of guilt.  The problem was that Jude didn’t seem to be taking the matter lightly and Dominic could see precisely why.  He couldn’t now understand what had possessed him to pose so shamelessly with his American friends.  He could see that doing so was not only in direct contravention of Jude’s precise instructions; it was also entirely inappropriate behaviour.  What had seemed like a bit of harmless fun on the beach now seemed to Dominic himself altogether more serious with its potential to damage their relationship.

“Do I have to undress you myself?” Jude asked with some asperity and Dominic hastily pulled himself out of his reverie.  His hands went to the fastening of the grey twill trousers which he’d worn to dinner in the restaurant and he fumbled with the hooks and zipper.  Standing in such close proximity to his partner in the tiny cabin made it a trifle embarrassing to get ready for a spanking. Jude’s immobility and calm, relentless gaze made him feel even more exposed.  His fingers shook slightly as he slipped them under the waistband of his underpants and resolutely pushed all the fabric down to his knees.  Jude shifted back slightly on his narrow bed and Dominic laid himself gingerly across Jude spread knees, sparing a thought for the lack of sound proofing in the ship’s cabins.

It seemed, however, that Jude was not yet ready to embark on the punishment.  Instead he spoke quietly but firmly to Dominic.  “You’re here for one reason and one reason only.  Can you tell me what it is?”

“It’s got nothing to do with the lady I splashed, has it?” replied Dominic, knowing he was correct and playing for time.

“You know I don’t hold you responsible for that,” said Jude firmly.  “What have you done to earn this spanking?”

“I behaved inappropriately on the beach,” admitted Dominic, “…..after you’d told me not to.”

“Yes.  And why did you do it?”

“I was trying to provoke you… trying to get you to deal with an issue which was worrying me.”

“What should you have done?”

“I should have told you I was still upset.  I should have explained that I wanted some way of easing the guilt.”

“So why are you over my lap now?”

“Because I didn’t tell you how I was feeling,” said Dominic with sudden understanding.  “Because I tried to deal with things myself.  Because…. because I didn’t trust you to make things right for me.”

Jude didn’t need to express his approval of Dominic’s insight in words. He just ran a firm hand down the curve of his partner’s back, into the dip at his waist and up the gentle slope of his buttocks, coming to rest at the top of his thighs.  Dominic sighed audibly, shifted slightly to secure his position and then relaxed.  It was the signal Jude had been waiting for and he began to administer a series of smacks which imprinted clear finger marks on Dominic’s backside, soon to be obliterated by a uniform redness.

Jude reflected that his reservations about the use of an implement in the cramped cabin were probably correct.  There really wasn’t room for an effective swing.  However, such considerations did not apply to a hand spanking and he felt no constraint about laying on with a will.  It was Dominic who was labouring under a sense of constraint, attempting to remain silent out of consideration for their neighbours who, he estimated, could be no more than six feet from where he lay, gasping and squirming over Jude’s lap.

Matters had progressed well beyond the point at which Dominic still felt able to control his reactions before Jude stayed his hand.  He’d been reduced to sotto voce begging and apologising long before the onslaught finally ceased. Then he lay, exhausted, emotionally drained yet perversely satisfied as his body thrummed with cleansing pain.  Eventually, Jude made the first move by easing himself out from under Dominic’s body and allowing the young man to shift to the centre of the bed.  A long day of activity in the sun and sea would, of itself, have been enough to cause Dominic’s eyes to droop with tiredness but the added turmoil of the evening’s inquisition and punishment meant that he hadn’t even got the energy to get himself ready for bed.

Jude left him alone for a little while until he was certain the sting must have diminished to manageable proportions and then he gently pulled off Dominic’s nether garments which had got tangled round his ankles during the spanking.  It was then the work of moments to strip him completely, roll him under the bedclothes, kiss him and tuck him in.  Dominic mumbled his thanks and to judge from the warmth of his response to that one kiss, he’d been left in no doubt that he was forgiven.  Jude smiled to himself with both satisfaction and affection when he heard Dominic’s breathing become slower and more audible with the onset of sleep.

In the morning Dominic was a little more sheepish, uncertain how to approach Jude and ask the one question which still troubled him.  Jude was immediately on the alert, challenging his reticence.  “How are you feeling this morning?  Fancy a dip before breakfast?”

“I’m feeling fine,” he insisted, “but I’m not sure if I’m fit to appear in public in bathing trunks.  What’s the state of my bottom?”

“Look for yourself in the mirror inside the wardrobe door. I think you’ll find there’s nothing worse to be seen than the effects of a little sunburn.”

Dominic padded naked through the cabin and twisted and turned in front of the mirror to confirm the truth of Jude’s claim.  “Okay, I’ll go up to the pool with you.”  Dominic paused and Jude looked at him expectantly.  There was no denying he had something else on his mind.  “I suppose…. I expect you want me to stay with you today.”

“I don’t remember asking you to do that.”

“No… but you won’t want me mixing with the others.  Not with Harry and Bill…. not after yesterday.”

“I thought we agreed that I decide on punishments.  It’s not up to you to dictate penalties.”

“I know,” Dominic agreed hastily. “It’s just that I thought… I thought…”

“You thought I was going to ban you from socialising with the young crowd.  Of course I’m not.  I may not approve of everything they get up to but I’m not responsible for their behaviour, thank God.  I do, however, expect you to make wise decisions if they propose conduct which you know I’d disapprove of.”

“Oh,” said Dominic, with some surprise, “thank you. I did enjoy myself yesterday and in future I won’t do anything against my better judgement when I’m with them.”

“I should hope not,” concurred Jude with mock gravity which didn’t deceive Dominic.

“I hope you’ve deleted the offending text,” he said with twinkle in his eye.

“No, I don’t think so,” said Jude blandly.  “You’d better check my phone.”

Dominic unplugged it from the socket where Jude had left it overnight to charge and the screen immediately lit up.  There was the picture which until that point Dominic had done no more than glance at in bright sunlight.  He couldn’t help thinking it was a rather good photo which showed off the tan he didn’t know he’d acquired.  He must have admired it a moment too long because Jude laughed and said, “Yes, I thought it was rather festive too. I’ve decided to use it on my home screen… well, at least until we’re back at work.  It might cause consternation in the office but, for the moment, I think we can fling propriety to the winds.”

Dominic didn’t realise how literally Jude was to take that seemingly frivolous observation until the final night of the cruise.  By then the two of them had had a wonderful time, forgotten all the pressures and problems of work, acquired a deep winter tan, made new friends and seen places they had only ever dreamed of.

“It’s our last night on board,” said Dominic rather wistfully.

“I know.  It’s going to be hard to settle down to real life after this adventure.”

“I wish we weren’t going home tomorrow. It’ll be cold back in Britain and we’ll have to get up in the dark to go to work.”

“So let’s go out on deck now,” suggested Jude unexpectedly. “It’s late but it’ll still be warm.  Just grab a jacket.”

The stairways were deserted as they climbed upwards.  Even the bars were nearly empty as passengers returned to their cabins to pack and get an early night.  On deck the stars shone brightly in the clear sky and the gentle slap of waves against the bows of the ship was just audible.  Dominic and Jude spent a long time leaning on the rail, enjoying the balmy breeze and talking quietly about their favourite ports of call on the cruise. 

“Shall I tell you what I liked best of all on this holiday?” enquired Dominic rather shyly.

“Go on,” encouraged Jude.

“That day when we visited the island and walked hand in hand along the beach.  We’ve never done that before… at least not where anyone could see us.  It felt so good to show people that we belong together.”

“We belong to one another,” Jude affirmed, bending to kiss Dominic on the lips. It was clear that he too appreciated the freedom, afforded by the gay friendly cruise, to show affection in public.  Dominic’s arms snaked round Jude’s waist and the two men exchanged a hug of pleasure and satisfaction at the end of a perfect holiday.

On their way back to the cabin Jude halted abruptly outside the gents and, after a quick glance down the corridor, pulled Dominic inside.

Standing with his back to the door he issued a brief instruction, “Go into that cubicle, drop your pants, place your hands on the cistern and bend over.”

“What?” gasped Dominic, hardly able to credit what he was hearing.

“I don’t intend to repeat myself,” came the firm response.

“B..b...but someone might walk in.”

Jude discreetly leant even more firmly against the door.  “So,” he asked, “is that any reason for refusing to obey me?”

Dominic’s breath caught in his throat and his pulse quickened.  Fear of public exposure gave way to arousal at Jude’s masterful display.  The prospect of indulging in sexual activity in a public place tapped into one of Dominic’s long held fantasises, although he seemed to remember Jude stating that sex in public lavatories could never be condoned.  However, as Jude’s eyes darkened with a combination of lust and impatience Dominic began to think he must have misremembered the conversation.  Obediently, he walked into the cubicle and unfastened his trousers.  Then, taking a deep breath, he slipped his fingers into the waistband of his underpants and pulled his clothing down below his knees. Hobbled by the bunched fabric, he spread his legs as widely as possible and leaned over as instructed.  Only then did Jude remove his shoulders from the outer door and walk silently into the cubicle to stand close behind Dominic, locking the door as he did so.

Dominic shivered with anticipation as Jude’s hands touched his flanks and moved slowly up his torso, pushing his thin shirt up his back.  Naked from armpits to knees, his body was totally open to Jude’s questing fingers and he gasped as those fingers fluttered over his belly and encountered the rising evidence of his excitement.  He could feel the fabric of Jude’s clothing rubbing against his naked buttocks and thighs and he could hear Jude’s ragged breathing against his ear.  He pushed back against his partner, silently signalling his consent and urging Jude to make free with his body.  Jude needed no further assurance of Dominic’s willing submission.

The whiteness of Dominic’s taut buttocks contrasted attractively with the golden tan he’d acquired from the hips upwards.  Jude spread the pale cheeks with firm fingers and ran his thumb over Dominic’s puckered orifice which contracted temptingly at his touch. “Remember what I said about behaving with decorum in a public place?” he enquired and Dominic could hear the laughter in his voice.  “Don’t make a noise.” And with that terse instruction he plunged one spit slicked finger deep inside his partner.

Dominic gasped at the sudden intrusion but otherwise managed to remain silent.  On reflection, he was sure he hadn’t misunderstood Jude’s absolute prohibition on sexual activity in a public place so he was forced to conclude that Jude was intentionally disregarding his own ruling. The knowledge that any noise would alert a passing visitor not only to their presence but also to the nature of their activity just added to his excitement.  He gripped the edge of the cistern more tightly as he heard the unmistakable sound of a zipper being lowered and then felt the familiar nudge of blunt, questing manhood.   Fleetingly, he registered the fact that Jude must be setting aside a deeply held principle in order to enact his lover’s fantasy as a final gift on the last night of their voyage. Then he was rendered incapable of rational thought as he abandoned himself totally to the eroticism of the moment.


~*~*~*~*~*~

Sunday, December 4, 2011

The Gift Of The Monkey

The Gift Of The Monkey
by Chris Dangerfield


I had been around our local mall, like a race track, four times already. All I needed was a pit crew to replace my Nikes, and tank me up with a Jamba Juice, and I’d be off again. My buddy Rob hadn’t even arrived yet to help.

Already the mall’s Muzak loop and I were old enemies. It was going to be a mother-fucking long day. If I had to hear Britney Spears singing her own special sexy rendition of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” one more time, I was going to either bleed out my ears or kill myself by jumping off the second level and impaling myself on the 60-foot blue plastic tree in the middle of the mall. It was wearing every ornament ever created that was blue... I mean blue? Really? What the hell? Blue, plus enough glitter to kill anything that wasn’t made of plastic. Winter fucking wonderland.

Starting with that kind of spirit of the season, how could I go wrong? I mean, we’re two days out from Christmas D-day, so I should have been happy that I was so far ahead of the game. I usually didn’t shop at all and, if I did for some reason, I’d just go out and grab something on the day of Christmas Eve. So I was way ahead, but I felt like crap about it all anyway. Yes, was I in a mood.

What was it about Christmas? I hated it. Everyone was so fucking happy and jolly and they clearly expected you to be overjoyed about it too and they made it quite clear they didn’t understand why you weren't, when you clearly just weren’t. And let’s face it, unless you had a ton of dough, then the holidays seriously sucked. I definitely only had a small amount of money, and this was the first year I’d ever had to buy a present for anyone that mattered. So guess what? Yep, exactly, walking in a winter wonder-suck.

I’d been doing my best to be happy for Jessie on the ramp-up since Thanksgiving. Hell, the last thing he needed was to find out that he’s living with Scrooge McFucking Duck who hated Christmas. Let’s face it, not having money at this time of year sucked more than I do and that’s saying something. Damn, even the jokes in my head were effed up.

Anyway, like I said, I was on my fourth pass around our local mall. Why is it that there are stores you never ever saw anywhere else in the world... in a mall? I mean how did anyone make enough money selling Orange Julius or only candles? I went into the Candle Emporium, sort of in desperation, and then spent twenty minutes spaced-out while counting over 367 different scented candles. I mean, really? Really? Since when were there enough people in our crappy little neighborhood all out, like busy-bees, buying potpourri-scented candles to keep these stores in rent money? Fuck me. It’s hard to imagine. Of course, I couldn’t buy Jessie a candle. I hated Christmas and candles. Okay, (lie) candles were at least useful when the power goes out. I’d never seen a real use for Christmas.

I was extra anxious about the lack of time. Christmas Eve was tomorrow and I had sweet fuck all of an idea for Jessie’s gift, let alone anything purchased or wrapped. So, I had started pretty early this morning and Rob couldn’t meet me here before 11:00 am anyway since he had to work an early shift at his sporting goods store.

At 9:00 am I had stopped at Hot Dog On A Stick to get breakfast. What? It’s meat, dipped in bread batter, on a stick – a totally efficient breakfast that I could eat and still keep on shopping. That way I wouldn’t be lying. NO LYING. God. I had to keep shopping. I was getting desperate. I had to get Jessie something great. Something worthy. I owed him. I owed him a lot.

~ ~ ~

Jessie and I had been working on a lot of stuff. Some things were just about how to have a healthier relationship and some things had to do with the fact that we had a special relationship. Jessie was a Top and I... definitely got that. At first I thought it was nuts, but I’d grown to understand it’s sorta right for the two of us. Apparently, there were Rules for Tops and their Monkeys – that’s what Jessie said anyway.

One of the rules was about never lying. Jessie said a Top always needed to know the truth in order to be a good Top. I know it sounds easy, doesn’t it? Well, it’s so fucking not. I never mean to lie. I love Jessie and I wanted to tell him the truth, but sometimes it got confusing. He said there was no difference between a big lie and a small lie. I didn’t know that I agreed. We had a big talk about it, but anyway, he said I had to eat breakfast and that Tops got to decide this stuff because it's their job to take care of their family. (What?) Okay, I liked being considered family. But breakfast? So he’d gotten very specific about it lately and he checked. God help me, he actually checked. Well, it’s sorta a good thing because some days I wouldn’t eat breakfast at all, and I have to admit, I got these headaches cause my blood sugar went down. But that wasn't the fucking point. I’m 21 years old. Breakfast! Shiiit.

He said that if I could eat proper meals and didn’t forget them and then not bite his head off, then he’d agree that I could make up my own mind. But as long as I was going to skip meals and then bite his head off he was going to pay attention to what I put into the mouthy end of me and also pay closer attention to the necessary color on the other end of me. Fucker thinks he’s so funny.

Anyway, breakfast was just general trouble easily avoided by a race to the kitchen for a banana and a bagel. He’s not a maniac. Oh boy, but lying was Rule Number Fucking Two. On that he was a maniac.

I’d learned that it wasn't good to lie to my Top, but shit, it’s just breakfast. He shouldn’t care so much, but he did. Like, seriously care. I hated it. (Lie) Okay, I didn’t hate it but I didn’t understand really. No one had ever given two craps if I ate before and sometimes it's just not convenient. One day, I told Jessie I was too busy for breakfast and he just gave me one of his Looks as he clarified things.

“Don’t be.”

I was like, “What?”

“Don’t. Be. Too. Busy.” He said that as he looked at me over the top of the sports page. Like it was just that easy. WTF? Just like him saying that made it so.

I know it’s hard to believe but sometimes I’m a tad sassy (let’s just say sometimes I didn’t think very fast) and so I rolled my eyes at him and said, “Puhleeze, it’s just breakfast, not the end of the world.” Jessie just looked at me real kindly with those eyes of his and then dropped the paper on the table and lightening quick snagged me and spun me around real fast and swatted my butt with those damn titanium hands of his right on my boxers. Just four times, but really damn hard. You could hear the cracks echo in our apartment. Fuckers stung like hell, just those four. I let out a really loud yelp and he leaned in close and said, “Your health is more important to me than anything and therefore – it is the end of the world – got it?” Fucker raised his eyebrow at me, which always gave me a shiver.

Well, what did you say to something like that except, “yes sir.” So I ate breakfast. It seemed safest.

I’m not a wuss, really, but I must admit I kinda liked it when he said stuff like that. I know it’s wimpy of me, but no one ever said anything like that to me before Jessie came along. I never knew what to say back to him when he talked like that... except ‘yes sir.’ I know it sounds weird, but I swear it doesn’t feel weird when it’s happening. He said it’s cause he’s my Top and it’s the way we were made for each other. (WTF?) As long as it made sense to him. I love him, even if he’s crazy. I like that he said that stuff. So, I guess maybe I’m a crazy one too.

So, I started eating breakfast. He didn’t give me too much grief about what, as long as it was mostly healthy. I like bananas and cereal. I like Cheerios. He drew the line at Sugar Smacks or doughnuts. He made good oatmeal and he’d make enough for two. I like that. I hate to admit he’s right, the fucker. I feel better at work, but I’m not telling him that. He already thinks he knows everything. I won't admit it, but sometimes I think he knows a lot. If not everything, at least a lot.

The Top thing though, I think he’s got something going with that. The first morning I skipped breakfast – the very first – I was making macaroni and cheese for dinner, that night after work, and he came in and dropped his bag and his work stuff in the hall, and while he was getting a beer, he asked me what I had for breakfast. I swear I didn’t even hesitate, I just said oatmeal. I wasn’t even looking at him when I said it and he went completely quiet and suddenly he was like right behind me, almost touching. I remember thinking, What? How? I turned around and he had those damn black eyes of his on me. There was a long long pause. I can’t help it I got super nervous.

“Are you sure you want to stick with that answer?” I remember thinking that there was no way he could know. “Rule Number Two?” he rumbled quietly into my ear. “You’re sure? Last chance.”

I swear I was having heart palpitations, but I wasn’t going to just wuss out because he gave me a hard look. I’m not a pussy, just stupid. So, I nodded. I know... stupid. But I wasn’t going to let him spook me over a fucking breakfast that supposedly took place eight hours ago. He just looked at me and then pulled out a chair and sat down.

“What?” He started to unbuckle my belt and unbutton my Levi's. “What?” I tried to hold onto my pants, but he just batted my hands aside and slid my pants and underpants down. I was trying to wiggle away at that point telling him to stop and trying to push his hands away and was moving absolutely nowhere. He captured my flailing hands in front of me and reached around behind me and placed his large hand on my bare behind and gently drew me in toward him. I was scared and wriggling pretty fiercely and swear I screamed at him to, “LET ME GO!”

And he did. He let me go just like that. I stumbled back with my pants around my ankles and looked at him. He just looked at me, a little sadly and very kindly, and right on fucking cue my fucking traitor eyes started to run. He just looked at me calmly and held out his arms. I’m such a wimp I just kept crying and walked right into them and he wrapped me tightly in his arms and I just cried. He didn’t say anything. He pulled me onto his lap and rubbed my back until I started to calm down. Honestly, I don’t know why. I don’t know why I cried and more importantly, I fucking had no idea why I told him the truth.

“I didn’t have any breakfast.”

“Okay.” he said quietly.

That’s when I learned that I couldn’t really lie to him and, more importantly, that I didn’t really want to.

~ ~ ~

“Would you like to look at our Wildflower gift pack?” I snapped out of my breakfast memory and onto the cute semi-goth girl at the counter who had her hand on a nice looking wooden-stamped box full of scented candles. I guess I’d been staring at them and didn’t realize it. I must have looked confused. “Are you trying to find your girlfriend a gift? I know, I hate it too when it comes down to the eleventh hour and I still don’t know what to buy my girlfriend. I wish she liked candles cause I get a 30% discount, but most of our inventory smells flowery and she’s not a flowers type of girl. You know?”

“No... erm... uhh...” The shop girl was really pretty in a gothy way and didn’t really look like any lesbian I’d ever met so I was a little surprised by how open she was, but I guess I shouldn’t have been. No one would have ever thought Jessie was gay either. He’s more dude-ish than most dudes. Rob always said I didn’t seem gay, but I always felt like it’s tattoo’d on my forehead. I tried to pull it together.

“Umm... my boyfriend (that felt good) isn’t flowery either. I’m just stuck for any good ideas.” It felt good to say it out-loud like that, but ‘boyfriend’ seemed like kind of a watered down word for what Jessie was to me. ‘Partner’ made it sound like we were in business together, ‘Significant-Other’ made it sound like we had just filled out a form at the Department of Motor Vehicles. None of them sounded like the love of my life, a guy who paddled my bare ass, and was my Top and my husband. Shit, we’d only been together a year and I didn’t always know what to call him in public. I just didn’t want to freak him out.

So for now, I just called him my man or my boyfriend. Being totally his would be cool. I could only hope that with time... Hey, right now I’d settle for a good gift. Sorta goth-girl was cool for someone who worked in a candle shop. She definitely made the place better. “Cool.” she said. “You’re gay too. How long have you been together? What does he like? Maybe I can help.”

Huh? What did he like other than bossing me around, spanking the crap out of me when I break the Rules, making me eat breakfast when I’m not hungry and being completely fucking impossible to find a Christmas gift for. (Lies) I blushed. No, he’s never unfair to me. I was just mad about this whole gift thing. She was nice and just trying to help. Shit, maybe she had some secret lesbian gift buying super-power that would help. I was getting nowhere by myself so I told her some of the basics.

“He’s the best... Um, he’s old... twenty-nine.” She just nodded, but she didn’t seem to judge me for being with an older guy, so I thought maybe her girlfriend was older too. I had just turned twenty-one, I think she was my age or younger. “He’s a total guy. He’s very practical and sorta traditional and he’s awesomely good looking and...” I glanced back at her and realized that I had started to ramble. She just smiled at me with that look women get when they realize you’re in love.

“Erm... uh... anyway, he’s a really good person and I’m lucky he’s even with me.” She gave me a little smile when she replied.

“I know how you feel. My girlfriend is older too. She’s the best. I didn’t have much money this year so I made her photo album. I hope that the fact that I made it myself will make up for the fact that I didn’t have any money for something nicer.”

I just stood there like a goon with my jaw hanging open. Why didn’t I think of that? I wanted to cry, but of course I wasn't gonna. Not in front of this nice lesbian in a candle store. What a good idea. I’m so stupid. I swear. It’s times like these that I really wondered what Jessie was doing with me. Candle girl was way smarter than I am. She must have seen something in my face.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. You’ll find something good for him. He must be special.” I nodded. “Look, the holidays are always stressful so don’t worry. I’ll bet that candles aren’t the answer for him” She smiled a really nice smile that didn’t seem very gothy at all. I told her thanks about six times and left. Crap, she’s right. I should have made something. I wasn't very artsy. I mean I didn’t paint or anything. I only had $139. I had saved up everything I could. I know it seems like a fucking boatload of money, but when you want to buy something really good for someone who is the best person you’ve ever met... Well, it wasn't that much at all.

~ ~ ~

Well, after my melt-down lie-face moment about breakfast on mac-cheese night, he refused to talk about it any more. Not in a mad way, he just let it go. He calmed me down and cleaned up my face with his handkerchief, stood me up, and pulled up my pants. I apologized like seven times and he just pushed me toward the mac and cheese.

“Monkey, why don’t you put dinner in the oven so we can eat.”

I was completely confused. First, I didn’t eat breakfast and then I flat out lied. I didn’t know how he knew that I lied, but he knew even before I had said anything and now he was acting like it was over and we were done. I went and put dinner into the oven and then kind of edged myself out of the kitchen like he was some sort of unexploded bomb. He just sat there reading the sports page again and that was that.

After dinner we watched television on the couch and he still didn’t say anything. About 10:00 pm he collected his stuff and started to head off. I was floored.

“Where are you going?”

“To bed.” he said, over his shoulder.

“Are you mad at me?” I didn’t mean to say that, but it just popped out.

“Nope.”

“Do you want me to come too.” I hollered at his retreating back.

“Always. Whenever you’re ready.” He went into the bedroom and I sat there on the couch in shock. We always went to bed together. He never gave me a choice. Fuck. He didn’t sound mad, but something was wrong. Probably fifteen minutes later, I went in and joined him in bed. He didn’t say anything, but he pulled me in close like normal.

“Sorry.” I said again.

“Don’t worry. We all have off days.” We went to sleep. Well, fuck. As usual, he fell right asleep and I lay there awake for a long time feeling his breath on the back of my neck. I’m not a genius, but something was wrong.

I woke up the next morning in a foul mood. He was already up and eating oatmeal. He didn’t wake me up like he usually did. I grumbled my way out to the kitchen. The oatmeal pan had already been cleaned and was in the drainer. I made a dicky point of saying that I wanted Cheerios anyway. He just said ‘good’ from behind his paper. Later, he kissed me and let himself out as if all was well.

I was a horror all day at work until my boss sent me home an hour early. Apparently, I was a fully efficient professional and a total little misery and, according to him, I should go home an hour early and feel better, which I did and yet didn’t. Then, I listened to the voice-mail to find that Jessie had to work late and wouldn’t be home for a few hours. Okay, first things first. I cooked dinner and I waited – Caesar salad and chicken breasts. He still wasn’t home. And then he called again and told me they had a project that was working overnight and that I should eat and he’d be home as soon as he could. So I ate alone. I hated it.

Let’s face it, I’m a mess alone. I forgot to turn on lights or heat or anything and I stayed up watching television until about 11:00pm, in the darkened living room, and he still wasn’t home and I’d be fucked if I was going to call him. I’m not a baby. He said he had to work. Finally, I went to bed. Our bed is big and it’s really cold without him. I swear, I’m not a wuss but I hated being alone. I couldn’t help but wonder if he was mad at me for the breakfast thing. It’s just not like him to fuck around with my head, though. He always meant what he said. Of course, I was still wide awake when he got home, about an hour later, and crawled in with me. Fuck me I was not going to cry when he wrapped himself around me. He’s so warm and I was so tired after not sleeping much the night before that I fell asleep in about five minutes.

He didn’t wake me again the next morning. I woke up late enough that he had cleaned the kitchen and there was just a note on the old table saying, “I love you Monkey. Busy day. Gotta run. Love, J”

I got home that night to find that Jessie had bought my favorite pepperoni pizza for us. He gave me one of his big hugs and a serious kiss when I walked in and told me to get my comfy clothes on and we’d eat pizza and watch some TV. That was unusual. Usually, we ate first. I was a total wreck at this point and yes, I totally fucking hell admit it. I burst into tears. Jessie just picked me up and carried me into the living room and sat us both on the giant leather couch.

“Shhh shhh... What’s wrong Monkey?” I was a total wreck and a fucking wuss and I couldn’t answer for a minute.

“I don’t know....” I wailed.

“Come on. Come on.” He was totally rubbing my back. “Did you get fired?”

“What? Nooooooo....” Fired? WTF?

“Well, what’s wrong, love? I can’t help if you won’t tell me. Are you in trouble?”

“I don’t know!”

“Ahh.” he said.

What? What the fuck is ‘ahh’ supposed to mean? He pulled me onto his lap and kissed my head. Why the fuck was he kissing my head? I was totally confused and then he confused me even more as he whispered into my hair.

“Well, what would you like me to do?”

I had no idea. What did I want him to do. I was on his lap and he smelled good and he rubbed my back and I was totally fucking incoherent and the last couple of days had been a total misery...

All of a sudden it was like a light snapped on in my head and I knew what to do. Fuck. Fuck Fuck. I also knew I didn’t want to do it. Jessie must have felt me tense up, but he just kept rubbing my back. As usual, everything was fucking my fault. I had lied – Rule Number Two. I had fucked everything up and he had been amazingly decent. I didn’t deserve him. Why was he still here?

~ ~ ~

Before I left, the goth candle girl wished me good luck and suggested some store called Coach. I left and wandered and then I spent a good amount of time chatting up the awesomely cute boy paid to stand in front of the Abercrombie & Fitch store. Every holiday they hired some model who stood out in front of the store wearing shorts and no shirt or just jeans hanging low off his hips or something, which is both hot and silly considering it’s 40 degrees outside, but he was cute so I felt it was my duty to say hello and rescue him from the giggling high-school girls. Girls have no gaydar. Please, he was clearly gay – way too cute to be straight. I did not tell him I have a better six-pack. I’m not that mean and if I took a job like that Jessie would do a rainbow coalition number on my butt. I did not tell him that either. No way.

I know that there’s nothing in A&F that Jessie would wear. He wasn't the overpriced fake-wrinkled clothes type. He wore simple basic man clothes and everything he wore looked seriously hot on him. Buying clothes was not one of my gay super powers. I’m not a genius with color or fit or any of that. The birthday shirt a store-guy talked me into buying Jess last year was still in his closet. Yep, eight months. Not worn once. Okay, I didn’t need a piano to fall on me to get the idea that it was not a winner. So, just say no to buying clothes. I took the old watch-face out of my Levi's pocket – 10:15am. Rob should be here soon. Thank God.

I went to Macy’s. They had lots of clothes, but I’d already decided a big nadda about that. I thought about buying him a leather jacket, but there was nothing nice for $139. All the good stuff was way way more expensive. Jessie had simple taste, but also really good taste. None of his clothes were crappy. Let’s face it, you didn’t get that good soft leather for $139. I finally found a jacket that seemed sorta Jessie-level to me and it was $423. Erp... nope.

Listen, I don’t want you to think I’m cheap. I just only had $139. Okay, it’s like this. When Jessie and I moved in together we could have got a better apartment, cause Jessie made a lot more money than I did. He’s a Project Supervisor for an architectural/contracting firm. He’s really good. Super anal and super organized.

I’m just a combination bar-back, inventory manager and part-time bartender at our local dive. The owners liked me because I was good with their computer and I kept the back room in good shape... well, and all the waitresses and a lot of the customers liked me. Still, Jessie made a lot more money by a long shot. It figured – he didn’t care at all.

Anyway, I was crazy about Jessie and when he brought up moving in together I thought I’d croak. However, I didn’t want him to think I was a loser or a leech so I insisted on paying half of everything. So we had gotten kind of a crappy old apartment cause that’s all I could afford, but he didn’t complain. So we split mostly everything. I know he buys more groceries, but he doesn’t say anything and I can’t really fight it, so we both just pretend I pull my own weight. Someday, I really would. He said it didn’t matter. Like I’ve said before, he doesn’t sweat the small stuff.

Our first big Top/Monkey argument was when he discovered I owed a bunch of money on my credit card. Whoooeeee, he was not having that. When he found out how much I owed I thought he’d leave me for sure, but instead he insisted on paying it off. He said he wouldn’t have me paying those interest payments for nothing and that as a couple it was ‘our’ money now. I refused. That took three days of arguing. He just kept asking me if I trusted him and I kept saying he was going to leave me because I was a loser and he finally just spanked me – thoroughly – until I calmed down and shut up with that crap. Anyhow, our 50/50 deal had stuck, but he knew it was tight for me. He said I was just being proud. Well fuck, may be, but that’s why I had $139 dollars and no credit cards. He didn’t care, but I did.

I stopped at Wetzel’s Pretzels and had a large soft pretzel, no salt. Hey, I don’t like those big salt chunks, okay? I wondered if this counted as lunch... erm... probably not. Shit. I was going to have to eat a proper lunch. I so wasn’t going to lie to him again. I wanted him to trust me and I’m a super sucky liar, as you’ve heard. I also had to think about what I was going to do. $139 or not, it had to be something ‘great’. He deserved the best and I’d be in luck if I could get to something even ‘good’ for that amount.

~ ~ ~

So two freakishly miserable days after my sucky stupid breakfast lie, there I was on his lap, on the couch, and I had that light bulb moment. I realized what the problem was. Fuckity fuckeroo. I remember being scared to death, but I couldn’t go on like that and I knew it. I untangled myself from his lap while he look puzzled. I went to the bedroom. Oh god, I was so fucked. I went and rummaged in the bottom drawer of his nightstand and got the little oak paddle and went back out to the living room. I held it out to him. He looked me right in the eye and I could see he knew.

“I lied to you about breakfast.” I watched as he nodded at me and took the paddle out of my hand.

“I know.” he said softly and then he was just quiet. He was not going to make this easy. Fucker. (Lie) No he’s not.

“How come you’re not mad?”

“Monkey, the Big Rules are there for both of us. To make us a stronger couple. To make me a better Top and you a better... Monkey.” I wasn't sure why he paused, but he kept going. “I’m not the police. It’s up to you if you want me to be your Top. I can’t help the way I’m built. I love you and I want to help and I’m always going to be your Top. I just sort of can’t not be. It’s really hard for me not to want to take care of you, but I can’t make you do anything you really don’t want to do.”

I just stood there in front of him sitting on the couch. Him holding that paddle and me sorta fidgeting and then I did what I should have done two days ago. I skinned off my clothes. And if you don’t think that’s super-ginormous mother-fucking hard well then you are just bat-shit crazy.

I laid myself across his lap... nothing happened. I craned backward to look at him.

“Umm... are you... ?” He wasn’t making anything easy.

“Monkey, you have to ask.” What? “Two days ago you yelled at me to ‘let you go’. I love you and I’m never going to force you. I’m your Top and you are my Monkey because it’s right for us, but it has to be right for both of us. So you have to tell me what you want.” Such a fucker (lie) making me ask out loud. Okay, I deserved this, but shiiiiit. That was worse than a spanking.

“Jessie. I’m sorry, please give me... um... whatever... erm... I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just got scared.” Well, fuck me with a stick. Even that pathetic little speech was hard to say with my naked ass in the air.

And then he brought that little paddle down hard across my right cheek and I thought, Hell! I was wrong. That hurt a lot more than saying it. He proceeded with my left and then he just wailed away with lots of wrist action and lots of sting on both sides for what felt like at least two hours (lie). Okay, it just felt like a long time and I was definitely crying and burning by the time he was done.

I started to push up and he just effortlessly held me down with his left hand and rested the paddle on the center of my bottom.

“What?” Oh, hell yeah, I sounded nervous.

“Okay, do you plan on eating a decent breakfast?” And with that, he brought that fucker down with a solid smack right down the center of my already nuclear butt.

“Yes! With bacon and OJ and broccoli and healthy stuff like that. I promise.” I wailed all that in Academy Award worthy fashion. He apparently, felt my sincerity.

“Good babe and, more importantly, do you plan on always answering truthfully when I ask you questions?” And another monster crack with that sucker on the same spot. I practically levitated off his lap, well I would have except for his big hand.

“Oh, yes yes yes? The truth and... only... for sure.” Somewhat garbled, but delivered loudly and with fervent passion.

“And this would be about...” Delivered, with a final crack on, you got it, that same spot. Fuuuuuck!

“RULE NUMBER TWO!!!!” I detonated.

He wedged the paddle between the seat cushion and the armrest of the old red couch and I rubbed my tear-stained face and runny nose on his Levi's. He deserved that.

“Hey!” He swept me up to suspend my butt carefully between his legs while I wrapped my arms tightly around his neck and we sat there for a good while, with him rocking me, while I calmed down. He nuzzled my head and whispered into my ear.

“You okay, Monkey? I’m seriously proud of you for handling things this way. It takes a big man to admit they’ve done the wrong thing and make things right.”

Another quiet time elapsed while, in spite of the burn in my backside, I felt good. I leaned back to look at him.

“So we’re okay? You still love me?” God, my voice sounded really small to my own ears. “Did I clean the slate okay?” Oh god, let him say yes.

“Monkey love, we were always ‘okay’ and I’ll always ‘love you’. He squeezed me tighter which felt good after the last two days. “Hey, I know we Tops are a bossy bunch, but it’s because we want the best for you now and forever. It won't always be easy but, like right now, if we’re both willing to try to do the right thing then we have a chance at being the best we can be. Right? Honesty with each other. Rule Number Two. That’s a big. I’ll do it for you, if you will do it for me and we’ll both try our best as we go.” I must have been feeling better because, as god is my witness, my mouth can be like uncontrollable clockwork.

“So if you lie to me, then I get to spank you?” I teased. He just leaned in and eyeballed me real closely with one of those black eyes of his and suddenly I wasn’t sure I wanted to tease him so much.

“Is that what you’d really like to do?” He said it very directly in all seriousness and I realized that maybe I wasn’t sure at all. Maybe that didn’t sound nearly as fun as I had thought it might and I might not be built for it at all. He’s all muscle on muscle and a lot bigger than me and I think my brow must have furrowed as I tried to imagine how I’d get him over my lap. My confusion must have shown, because he let out a big laugh.

“Don’t worry Monkey, we don’t have to do that. I’m just saying that we’ll both work at keeping the Rules and keeping things working their best.” Then he squeezed me again. “We’ll figure it out together.”

In that moment, I felt so loved that I thought there wasn’t much I wouldn’t do for this man. And that was the truth.

~ ~ ~

So, that’s what I was sitting thinking as I was finishing my (not a proper lunch) Wetzel’s Pretzel and remembering Jessie forgiving me for being a crappy liar and how much I loved him. Of course I was also thinking that I was an idiot for not having checked to see if we had run out of oatmeal before I’d lied (he told me that later when I accused him of reading my mind). I was also thinking that Macy’s sucked for only having pleather jackets for under $200 and wishing that Jessie liked to cook more because Williams-Sonoma had a bunch of pans for under $139, but that’s like buying your wife a bowling ball because you like to bowl and I was basically starting to get really hacked off about Christmas all over again when Rob walked in, spotted me, and sat down.

“How’s it hangin’?” Rob considered himself a wit, but he was my best friend and just a couple years older than me. He liked to tease me about most things, but there wasn’t a mean bone in his body.

“Low and mean, bro, low and mean.” You could see that we were both genius wits of the male sort and our greetings tended to run to the intellectual side. However, now with that out of the way – there would be arm hitting later, guaranteed – we could get on with the real business.

“So, why are you are you moping in the pretzel section? You planning on buying the big man a pretzel-of-the-month subscription?”

~ ~ ~

Rob liked to call Jessie the ‘big man’ and he skirted around the whole Jessie telling me what to do thing. I knew it was going to come out one day. Rob spent way too much time over at our place, but he hadn’t asked any tough questions yet. Though he’d given us a couple of good hard looks when Jessie told me to do something and I scampered off to do it. I definitely didn’t want a confrontation with Jessie in front of Rob. Jessie wouldn’t humiliate me, but his idea of what counted as humiliation and mine were two different things.

Sometimes, Jess thought if you didn’t want ‘attention’, as he called it, then don’t do whatever you’re going to do. So I’m careful. Jessie was mellow about it all and just said to let Rob ask what he wanted, when he’s ready. He said that he’s a good friend and he’d understand. I told him, yeah! Easy for you to say, you weren't the one being bossed around and beaten half to death for breathing wrong. Jess had just laughed his deep laugh and scooped me up and into his arms like a kid.

“You are absolutely right you poor, poor guy and how much ‘beating’ do you think a lie like that one just now deserves? Hmm? Something extremely painful I’m sure. Do we own a cane? Or a strap or something?” I 'Eeeeped' loudly and tried to scramble out of his arms. Although, he was joking – I’m pretty sure – I got nowhere.

“I think I have some extra correction tools we haven’t used in my case?” I gasped again in outraged horror.

“We don't own a cane or a strap... do we?” Even joking I think I glanced around nervously like some torture device might suddenly be hanging on the coat rack.

He gave me a mock hard stare. “... I doooon’t know... do we?” Okay, getting unfunny here. Jessie had one hand under me though, thoroughly feeling up my butt during this whole exchange of questionable humor, and my Levi's were getting tight in front, but it was clearly time to change the subject anyway. So, I had squeezed my arms tighter and buried my face deeper into his neck.

“I just don’t want Rob thinking I’m a freak.”

“Hey, hey...” he rumbled. “There’s no chance of that. Rob loves you. I love you more. First off, I don’t think he would. Second, I think Rob is curious about us, but doesn’t know how to ask, so try to be nice when he does. Sometimes when people are nervous they don’t ask in the best ways. Just remember he’s your friend.”

“I know... it’s just that I’m...” I trailed off kinda pathetically.

“Monkey, listen, I know that our relationship isn’t like everyone’s, but there are more people who have domestic discipline relationships like ours than you might think. You are not a freak. You are just a person who is strong enough to know what’s best for them.” Okay, that made me feel good. He put me down. “Also, just think on this. Rob sees you and me happy together all the time. I think Rob is lonely and would like a relationship of his own. Maybe not like ours, but who knows what is right for him. So some of this may just be natural envy.”

Well that was a lot to think about and I remember we went off to the grocery store and, for a change, I didn’t talk most of the way there.

~ ~ ~

So anyway, Rob was being funny as usual.

“Noooo, Jessie hates pretzels. Says they’re all empty carbs.”

“How much do you have to spend?”

“$139...” I replied rather sadly.

“Hey that’s not that bad. We should be able to get some good stuff for that... right?” I know he was trying to get my energy up. Like I said, he’s a good friend.

“Not so far. I can’t just buy him crap. I’ve been to the ‘Luv Sac’, trust me it’s not what you think. Lady’s handbags, little ones with sequins, which apparently my wife absolutely must have.” He obligingly laughed. “Then I went to Burberry. They have some good things if you like to dress like an Englishman.” Rob shook his head no as I said that.

“Nope. You’re right, that is not Jessie.”

“Exactly, so I walked by a place called Lane Bryant...” We both simultaneously snorted and shook our heads no. Rob laughed.

“Also no on Victoria’s Secret next door.” The laughing was cheering me up a little. I told Rob about the pleather jackets I could afford at Macy’s and the nice ones I couldn’t. He did agree that a leather jacket of the right type would be very Jessie, but not a cheap one. We walked down the aisle and looked at the very odd mix of shops. I mean who thought those shops up?

“Jessie is very good looking.” Rob was looking forward when he came out of left field with that. “You’re a lucky bastard to be with a guy who is sex on a stick.” We walked in silence for a minute. “Of course, he’s bossier than two wives.” It’s true, but I slugged him hard on the arm on general principles.

“HEY! I didn’t mean anything bad. Sorry. I like Jessie, but you’ve got to admit he’s pretty... um... in charge... if you know what I mean.” I pulled back to slug him on the arm again, but he dodged away. “Stop that. I just mean... I was only...” He gave me a sideways look. “Todd, can I ask you something?” My heart skipped a beat.

“Sure, what?” I replied

“Is Jessie good to you... err... I mean is a he... are you... safe?” He must have seen the horrified look on my face cause he kept going. “I don’t mean anything bad, I like Jessie and I know you’re crazy about him, but sometimes he seems kind of stern and he’s big...” I waited out a big pause as we walked. “He’s not abusing you... that’s all... right? You’re okay?” I breathed a sigh of relief. That was just my friend watching out for me.

“Yes, I’m totally fine Rob. He’s the best thing that ever happened to me and he would never lay a finger on me that we hadn’t agreed to.” As I said it, I realized that was the absolute truth, but just for fun I leered at Rob and wiggled my eyebrows in my best lecherous way. Then he hit me really hard on the arm. I looked at him in outrage.

“Oh, nothing... just turn-a-bout and fair play. Be glad you’re only getting one.” He just looked forward and frowned. I had to laugh. We continued on past a store that sold five million rubber Crocs in every color under the sun. No way was Jessie into Crocs. Also, have you ever seen how many baby stores there were in a mall? It’s like every third store was a baby supply store. Definitely not something we’d be needing. I wonder if we’d ever adopt? Whoa. That was a weird thought. We passed a bunch of trendy clothing stores that I didn’t trust myself to buy anything Jessie would wear in. Finally, I pulled out my watch to check the time. 1:00pm, lunch time for sure. I looked at Rob.

“What do you want to eat?”

“What did you have for breakfast?”

“Hot Dog On A Stick.” Rob made a gross face.

“You sick fuck, you’ll eat anything. Do you know what’s in those things? I punched him again, but not very hard so it didn’t really count.

“Yes I do and it’s the breakfast of champions, but you don’t have to tell Jessie.”

“Trust me I’m not getting in the middle of you two and your healthy food issues, Dr. Atkins.” He was ready and dodged the arm punch this time.

We agreed on Panda Express. I got the Orange Chicken and rice and he got Beef & Broccoli. We sat at the formica counter and planned our attack. I had reached the point of despair.

“Rob, I’ve been around this mall seven times now. Four before you got here and three with you. I don’t want to give him a gift certificate, he’ll just think I’m a lazy shit. I don’t know what to do?”

“Dude, finish your heavily sugared and fried chicken nuggets and we’ll cross down and check out the shops over that way. I’m sure we’ll find something.” That was one of the many things I liked most about Rob, he’s just super positive and he’d often kept me going when I was ready to jump. I pulled out the old watch again from my pocket. It was too old and I couldn’t get a watch band for it anymore so I just kept it in my pocket. It was almost 2:30pm.

“Rob, eat up we gotta go. I’ve got to get this done and get home.” I got up to empty my tray in the trash. Rob followed. We wandered down the other hallway. Fudge, mall security, kids play area, JCPenney and at the corner my goth lesbian’s Coach.

Coach. Lots and lots of leather stuff. Nice stuff. I went in. Rob backed up and followed. At first I thought it was just super nice wallets and ladies handbags, but then on the back wall there were leather briefcases. I mean really super nice leather briefcases. In black and light and dark brown. All kinds of bumpy and classy ones with buckles and straps on the front. I think I was just sort of staring at the black one.

“Would you like to see it?” She was a very pretty Latin girl dressed in high style and those stiletto shoes you wondered how girls walked in. I nodded. “Here.” she said, pulling it down. “Go ahead, you can open it.”

It smelled super good. Like leather car seats or something and the leather was exactly the kind of leather that the $800 coats in Macy’s were made of. Super soft and nubbly. I opened it and it was big and had smaller pockets on the front and then the middle had two big compartments and smelled even better. Then I saw the price tag and went cold. $548. Well, forget that. I smiled and handed it back to fashion girl who put it back on display.

“Thanks. That’s a beautiful bag. We’re going to look around some more, but maybe we’ll be back.” I lied. I grabbed Rob and eased him out of the store.

“What?” he said, bewildered. “It was perfect. I’ve seen Jessie’s old bag. It’s the same size and it’s ratty and he’s had it as long as I’ve known you two.

“Rob... did you see that price?” I glared at him for want of something better to fucking seriously glare at. “$548. That’s so far out of my price range it might as well be leather harvested by sacred virgins from Tibetan yaks... or something.”

We both sat down on one of those cement benches they scatter about the mall and I put my head in my hands. Oh, you can trust me, I was not going to cry in front of Rob... but I wanted to. I was just tired.

“Listen, Todd... I know you don’t like to, but let me loan you...”

“No!”

“Just listen, asshole. This is a special situation. How many times have you been around this mall. That bag is perfect for him. I know it and you know it. I know you’ll pay me back. You have to get it. It’s just...”

“Rob, just stop... please... I can’t. Jessie knows I don’t have that kind of money and he sure knows I don’t have a credit card. He’ll ask. Oh, ho trust me he’ll ask. I can’t buy him a present with your money, it’s just not right.” I held up my hand to stop him from interrupting. “... and I’m not going to lie about it. Case closed.” He glared at me.

“You are such a stubborn little shit.” He hit me on the arm, but it wasn’t hard. His heart wasn’t in it.

We sat quietly for quite a while watching all the holiday shoppers go by. It was the day before Christmas Eve so it was mostly harried looking men and the occasional mother hoping for a bargain. Like us, the desperate.

“Todd, can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“That old watch you always have. Where did you get it?”

“What? Oh, that. It’s just sentimental old crap. You know I don’t know who my real folks are?” Rob just nodded. Old news. The kind you got out of the way on a good drunk when you first got to know a good friend. “Well apparently, it had supposedly been my dad’s. My bio-dad’s. It’s old enough. Well that’s what they told me. It’s crap, I just sorta keep it just to remind me that I was someone’s kid once... whatever happened. You know?” Trust me, Rob knew all the dirty details, so this conversation wasn’t as emotional as it sounded. He looked at me kinda keenly.

“Do you think it’s worth something?” He had a plotting gleam in his eye, the one that he got sometimes. It could mean the solution to all your problems or just the beginning of them. I just looked at him blankly.

“I don’t know. I’ve always had it. I can’t buy a band that looks right with it, way too expensive. It’s old, so I don’t know, really?” I pulled it out and we both looked at the face. It said Universal Genéve on it. It was all silver and old-fashioned looking but in sort of a cool way. There were three small faces – one on each side and one on the bottom. I think one was seconds, but I wasn’t sure what the other two were for. Rob looked at me for a moment, kinda carefully, and I thought, here it comes, he thinks I’m gonna punch him again...

“Have you ever had it appraised?” He just stared at me and I stared blankly back. He clearly could see I needed help. Rob’s folks have money so he knows money stuff.

“Umm... no?”

“It might be worth something. Do you think you might be willing to sell it if it was?” I could see by his face he was serious.

“Umm... I don’t know?”

That was the truth. I never thought about it. On one hand it was the only thing I had from my real bio-dad ever to prove that I wasn’t a pod child left on Earth from some failed invasion, but on the other hand it’s not like I ever knew him or that he meant anything to me. He and my bio-mother couldn’t be bothered and gave me up at birth. I got adopted by nice people, which was why I referred to the mysteriously missing originals as ‘bio’ mom and dad.

My adopto-folks were mostly sweet and cool, well until I turned gay and then they were uncomfortable, but they still tried to be cool. So I didn't hate them or anything. I just wasn’t what they had signed up for, but they also didn’t throw me out and they were mostly nice, so that’s something. So this old watch was the only thing from way back then. Still, this was Jessie we were talking about. Jessie who paid off debts for me. Who loved me even when I was an asshole and did supremely stupid things. Jessie the sexiest fucker I had ever been around and he seemed to think I was decent looking too. I mean, between the two, there was no comparison.

Rob was still looking at me like he’d just gone Good Will Hunting and solved the ultimate math problem. I stood up.

“Okay Einstein, but I don’t know how to have your left testicle appraised let alone this old watch. What if it’s worth shit? It’s old. It might not be worth anything.” Rob shook his head.

“No it’s ‘vintage’. That’s possibly valuable. Let's go ask a watch shop. They can at least tell us if we’re wasting our time. Listen if it’s worth shit, then we’ll buy Jessie some purple Crocs.” He wasn’t fast enough this time when I hit him, but he still smiled as he dragged me off to find out if I was a new billionaire.

Five minutes later, I was going to go into Zales, but Rob said no. Then there was Kevin’s Jewelers, but still apparently that wasn’t the right one either. Finally, he decided that the answer was Romano’s Jewelers.

“Why here?” I gestured to all the display cases fronting the exterior.

“See all the watches.” There were some real beauties. “Look at this Baum and Mercier... see...” I leaned in. It was really expensive and rich looking. “It’s old. They buy and sell vintage jewelry here. They should be able to tell us what kind your watch is and if it’s worth anything.” He must have seen my face. “Todd, you don’t have to sell it. We’ll just ask.” I will say this, Rob does have testicles and when he wants something he goes for it.

We went in and all of a sudden I felt young and grubby. Jewels everywhere and watches with jewels and jewels with watches and jewels on jewels. Shit. I so didn’t belong here with my ratty old piece of a watch and a measly $139 to buy Jessie a Christmas present. I think Rob knew I was feeling all emo and bolty because he had his hand firmly gripping my arm. He drew me over to an older man sitting behind a glass counter filled with sparkling watches.

“Excuse me, sir. Would you have time to take a quick look at an older watch for us and tell us if it’s anything you recognize?” Rob was super good at dealing with rich people type things. He worked managing one of his father’s sporting goods stores, mostly because he liked to make his own pocket money. So he knew how to talk ‘rich’ when he had to.

The old man brought out a black velvet board and set it on top of the glass and then opened a drawer to get out a little black eye glass thing, which he put to his eye. Rob nudged me and whispered, “Put your watch on the black thing.” So I did.


The old guy brought it up to the black eye thing and studied it every which way before setting it down again. He proceeded to talk to Rob as if I wasn’t there which was actually okay with me since the whole thing kind of freaked me out. Old watch-guy just sorta went into robo-jeweler mode.

“It is a 1940’s classic Universal Genéve Compax. It is one of the most affordable and underrated collectible watches out there. Stainless Steel. The movement is considered quality and it’s 45mm lug to lug. A very high quality watch with features that are uncommon. The quality is reflected in the beauty of this watch after all these years. This one is not in perfect condition but quite close. It is a significantly affordable collectable and it will wow most watch connoisseurs.” I was totally lost, but Rob looked both pleased and unfazed as he talked with him.

“Does it normally appraise for anything and if you were to purchase a watch such as this to prep for resale, what would you consider it worth?” I think my jaw dropped. This was my friend who I regularly punched in the arm and called a butt-head. The old man looked back at the watch laying against the black velvet.

“Well, I’ll be honest with you since you seem like such a nice young man. If you were to clean this, properly band it and put it on full auction there is a chance that you might get somewhere between $2,795 and $2,995.”

Sister Mary Greenbacks... did he say what I just thought he did?

“Now, if we were to purchase it to prep for resale here at Romano’s... Well, I’d have to confer with the owner, but after cleaning and restoration and providing the correct wrist band... I’d expect to be able to get you something around $1,800. Rob tried not to look too pleased.

“Thank you, sir. Let me discuss this with my friend.” He scooped the watch off the counter and grabbed my arm, towing me out into the corridor where the evil Muzak loop had just rotated around to “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer”. I was completely confused. Rob, however, was very excited.

“Dude. $1800 bucks. Hello? Hello?” He gave me a shake. “Duuude, do you understand they will buy this very watch for $1800 bucks here and now. Todd, that’s the Coach bag, plus tax, and at least $1,300+ left over for you. You're good to go.”

I was still in a bit of a state, but for Jessie I was good, and I nodded yes.

Two hours later, we walked out of Coach with a beautiful perfectly wrapped box the just screamed ‘rich’. It also had the toughest coolest most awesome black-leather briefcase I’d ever seen swathed in tons of snow white sparkly tissue paper inside.

Rob had to drive home. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, but I couldn’t stop the tears running down my face. Fucking traitor face.

Rob didn’t say a word.

~ ~ ~

I nestled the present under the Christmas tree. I didn’t talk much that night. I think Jessie was worried, but I told him the holidays made me wuss-up and apologized for ruining his day. He just looked at me super kindly and asked me if there was anything I needed to tell him. I assured him that I was okay. No Rules broken. I promised. He still looked worried and pulled me onto his lap. He got up once to answer the phone, but other than that we watched TV and ate popcorn until bed time and then we snuggled up and I tried to mellow out. I promised myself I’d be normal by morning.

Well, that was a lie, but only to myself. I took forever to fall asleep and I woke up just as weird as the night before. I swore I would not ruin Christmas Eve for Jessie so I plastered a big smile on my face and got up to start cleaning. He was getting out of the shower with just a towel wrapped around him and using another one to dry his hair. I got a good look at him in the hallway. Hot fucker. He was worth a hundred watches.

“Monkey!” he hollered over the vacuum. I turned it off. “I have to go out for a couple of hours and check an emergency job. I’m so sorry. I promise I’ll be back just after lunch. I’ll help you finish cooking and we’ll have Christmas Eve dinner together and open presents.” I ran over and hugged him – wet towels and all. “Hey babe, everything is going to be okay. Don’t stress. Okay?” I nodded and smiled. He nodded and smiled back.

As I was walking back to the vacuum, he snapped me on the ass with his wet towel. “Oww! Butt-head!” I yelled at his retreating back. He just laughed and went to finish getting ready. Yes, I love him.

I cleaned. I cooked. I defy anyone to make that crap apartment as Christmassy as I did. Okay, I’m not the king of cooks, but I could do ham and potatoes and a basic salad. Jessie was home by 2:00pm just as promised and with a really good pie for dessert. Such a Top. I kinda liked that. Anyway, he helped set the table and finished putting the food out. I just kept looking at him thinking he was the best thing that ever happened to me and worth all the watches in the world. And he was.

Dinner was good. Simple, you know, but good. Jessie helped me clean up as usual and we had the dessert he brought in the living room by our little tree. We put a Christmas music DVD on the stereo and sat for while cuddled up looking at the tree. I crawled onto his lap and curled into a ball.

“Monkey, I’ve never been happier than I am with you.” I looked up at him. God, that was so what I needed to hear right now. For some reason I think the whole watch business just made me think about people giving me away and it kinda stuck to me. So fucking stupid I know. That happened so long ago with people I never knew. There was no reason that it should matter now.

“Jessie, there's no one in the world better... than you. No one.” I was starting to wuss up. Well, I suppose it was inevitable for me when the sappy talk started happening. I hate being the family cryer, but sometimes it just is what it is.

Jess eased me off him and got up.

“Here. Monkey, I wanted you to have this in hopes that it can bring you all the good things you deserve all year long.” He handed me a present nicely wrapped in glittery green paper in a weird shaped long tube. I shook it, but I could not figure out what it was. Jessie just looked at me expectantly.

I opened it and pulled out a long thin rattan cane. My face when I looked up at Jessie must have been priceless, because he started laughing so hard he started snorting. I dropped the damn thing and jumped on him, everything else forgotten, and started pounding on him as hard as I could.

“You butt! You totally evil Top butt-head. You bought me a cane? You shit!” I continued to try to pummel him, while he continued to fend me off rather effortlessly, laughing his ass off as he explained.

“I got it to help you...”

“Help me? Me? You dick.” I was sort of on top of his head by now pounding on his back. He could not stop laughing and snorting. The humor part was trying to allude me.

“Yes. You said you were worried about being able to explain all your heinous beatings to Rob once the day came that you had to make clear how I abuse you. So I thought you’d need a cane to help him understand how you suffer.” He was laughing so hard at that point that he could barely get that speech out. The fucker. He was so dead and this was so not funny (Lie). Okay, it was funny and I was sort of laughing too.

“Fine, I’m getting that fireplace we talked about and this is the first thing I’m burning.” I climbed off him panting, both of us still chuckling. “I still think you’re an evil Monkey abuser.” He grabbed me in a big hug that lifted me off the ground.

“Well that’s true. Here, this one is better. Or at least I think you might like it better.” He handed me a big blue box with a giant thick white ribbon on it. It looked rich. I unwrapped it slowly. You know sometimes you just didn’t want to tear the paper. I took the lid off to see the last thing I ever expected. I slowly drew a brand new Sony PlayStation 4 out of the box.

There was a minute of true Christmas reverential silence... until I screamed and started jumping around the living room like a demented... erm... well... monkey. It was just true. Jessie just sat there with this giant shit-eating grin on his face watching me while I bounced and babbled.

“You giant sneaky Top-fink. You said we couldn’t have one. You said you hated these games. You said the devil created these to destroy families. You LIED...” He put his hand up to stop my bouncy speechifying.

“Well, we are going to have rules about when it gets used. I definitely want to see you once in a while, but I don’t want you to have to go to Rob’s every time you two want to play. And I had to make up some of those things because a certain highly snoopy Pink Panther type Monkey might have torn this apartment apart searching for his gift if I hadn’t diverted him.” His grin was still deservedly big. It was the best gift ever created and made me even more sure I had done a good thing with mine.

“Oh. My. God! You got all the new games too! You are the most awesome person in the universe. Let’s hook it up and play RIGHT NOW!” That got me a dry look. “Psyche. Kidding.” I launched myself back into his arms while holding a handful of the latest games, two of which promptly fell behind the couch during the confusion of hard-core kissing that lasted for a minute or two. Hey, it was a gift deserving of serious kissing.

Finally, it was time. I went over and got the Coach box out and handed it to him. He looked satisfyingly mystified as he opened it and then, when he finally got the miles of tissue paper out of the way, he pulled out the black leather case. The whole room smelled like Christmas tree and new leather. It was amazing. Better yet, I had never seen him with his face that completely stunned.

He was speechless for a whole minute. He’d run his hand across the leather and then look at me and then smell the bag and look at me again, kind of like he’d never seen me before. Then he dropped the bag on the couch and grabbed me and kissed me one of those bruising kisses that leaves me breathless and makes my pants too tight. The kind that seem to go on forever. It was a perfect Christmas kiss for sure. I had done good. He just kept opening the bag, closing it and then stroking it. I was totally stoked.

Needless to say, more Christmas kissing ensued, but I’m gonna say it anyway. It was the freaking best. Then he gave me one more kiss and went over and pulled out a little box from way under the tree.

“Monkey, this is just a small something I know you’ve been looking for. I found it on-line.” I was totally mystified. I had no idea, really. I unwrapped it and burst into tears. Fucking wuss tears... again. Yes, it was a watch band. The watch band. An antique. Clearly made for the watch I kept in my pocket. Jessie knew what it was. I was incoherent.

“I can’t... Can you return it? Was it expensive?” All this pouring out of me in between tear filled breaths.

He reached behind him, dug between the couch cushions, and pulled out another box and handed it to me with a look of concern. I was still crying and I was definitely a little goofed up at this point between hyper-happy and super-sad and just confused and... oh well, I didn’t know what exactly.

I opened the little box. Maybe you guessed. I couldn’t breath for a second. Jessie reached over and rubbed my back and watched me kind of cautiously. It was my watch. The watch. Sparkling clean. A watch I now had a band for. I might have just stared at it forever if it weren’t for Jessie.

“I hope you don’t mind Monkey, but your friend Rob called me last night.” I remembered the call he had to take last night that I thought was for work. “He told me about you selling your watch to get my present.” Jessie pulled me onto his lap for about the 607th time in the last two days and talked into my hair. I think I was a bit delirious. “Monkey that bag is the nicest thing anyone has ever given me... ever! However, the fact that you’d give up your dad’s watch to get it is beyond my imagination. You are without a doubt the most generous person I have ever met.”

Well you can imagine, here I was already tearing all over and then he gave me back my watch – something I didn’t even know I cared about – but apparently, I did and then he tells me that? Well that started the serious waterworks up again. He held me tight and rubbed my back and made little noises in my hair.

“I didn’t think I cared about it. You know I never knew them and it’s just a watch, right? It shouldn’t matter.” I looked up at him with some sort of confusion. His eyes were very kind.

“I know buddy. It should be that way, but it never is. Even parents you don’t know are still parents. It’s kind of fucked up, but that’s the way it is. You’ve seen how effed up my parents are. They’re kind of miserable and I don’t even like them very much, but I can’t forget them no matter how hard I’ve tried. Don’t worry buddy, you and I are just alike.” He shifted me a little so he could look at me.

“It’s okay to have this watch to remember your bio-dad by and maybe think something good about him. It doesn’t matter if it’s true or not. You know? I know it’s rotten they had to give you up, but you don’t know why. Right? Maybe they had to, but maybe they didn’t want to. When you look at that watch, try and think of that if you can.”

He pulled me back in and I cried myself out for a while.

Then we made a large ceremony of taking all his work stuff out of his old ratty brown bag and transferring it to the new black bag and ooo’d and aww’d over it appropriately. After that, we got out his little fiddly tools and attached the new watch band to my old/new watch and fussed over that also.

It was very late when the dishes were washed and put away. Used wrapping paper was trashed and we finally turned the Christmas tree lights off. Jessie went to brush his teeth and get ready for bed. I told him I was going to go and get those two PS4 games out from behind the couch before I forgot.

I ran back out to the darkened living room. Joke or no joke, I was not going to leave a cane lying on the living room floor. That evil stick was being marked for permanent disposal... except it wasn’t where I dropped it. I hurriedly searched the immediate area, underneath the coffee table and the couch, by the tree... everywhere. The room wasn’t that big. It was gone.

No doubt, a certain sneaky damn Santa-Top had taken it. Tricky fucker. When had he done that? Tomorrow, I was going to go all Pink Panther on his ass and find that nasty thing. I had to laugh. If he thought my butt was living in the same apartment with a cane he had another thing coming.

I brushed my teeth and headed to bed, only to find the bedroom empty. I figured Jess forgot to turn a light off or something and started to crawl into bed until I heard a throat clearing sound from the doorway.

“Ahem...” I glanced up to see my man wearing his new leather case off one shoulder and not another stitch, sublimely nude in the bedroom doorway in his best sultry come hither pose. Okay, the pose was a little goofy but the body was to die for. SOLD. Wrap him up, I’ll take two.

I snorted and lept out of bed also totally starkers, except for my new/old watch which I couldn’t take off my wrist. Actually, I really couldn’t. The new clasp had some trick to it that I needed Jessie to help me figure out, but right now it was perfect. So I struck a better pose modeling both my ‘vintage’ watch and my naked self. Jessie laughed out loud as he set his bag down by the door and then with a predatory look he growled and lightening fast, darted across the room, grabbed me up and dumped me on the bed. Just like that he was on top of me, covering me completely, and kissing me like there was nothing else in the world but me.

We spent many, many hours having what seriously qualified as the best holiday sex I’d ever had. Jessie seemed to think it was also worthy of a high holy day. It was definitely the wee hours of the morning before we both passed out in a tangle of blankets.

~ ~ ~

I did’t know too much about the three wise men or about gold, frankincense and myrrh, but I will say that black briefcase got used every day and, even though Jessie denied it, I swear I had seen him fondle the leather when he thought no one was looking.

The watch? Well, that watch was in a category all it’s own. How did you rank a gift you didn’t even know you wanted? Jessie ended up being right about something else too, sometimes I do look at the watch now and think maybe, just maybe, he didn’t have a choice when he gave me away. I don’t know what’s true, but like Jessie says, then why not? I can think anything I want. Oh and I didn’t even punch Rob in the arm for telling Jessie. I know, I’m getting soft, but it was Christmas.


However, the best Christmas gift I had ever, without a shadow of a doubt, received was that night’s love making marathon with a man who meant everything to me. It totally consumed me, as the clock passed from Christmas Eve to Christmas Day.


Now that was a gift I’m not sure even the Magi could give.


The End.